im really missing you
and im hating it.

i dont get you. i thought we decided to say goodbye but the next day u message me. u know it makes it even harder to forget you. and how can u miss me one day and totally forget the next.
i dont get why im serious about u. WHY.
anybody who can answer is a genius.
i feel so horrible. missing you is bad enough.
imagining you at HOME with her is worse.
happy family of 2 in love and brother and sister-in-law. seems so perfect.

ouch.

if i get a scholarship now, i'll fly away immediately. im tired of living in my world, being here. being far far away gives ample reason not to be able to see you, not to have to go to school to socialise and be a clown, not have to rise up to expectations i have of myself beacuse i probably wouldnt bother as long as im not in CJC. and being alone out there means i dont have to control emotions at home. nobody would know me in that place. perfectly low- profile.

i feel like being a Fransiscan sister, devouting my life to praying for the world and seeing no other world but the chapel alone. i really dont mind just that half of my prayers would be for you, i presume.
but to be honest, i dont mind a life that only revolves around God.
i dont mind wearing robes all day, seeing only the four walls of the chapel and being cut off from the world. at least theres meaning in my life, at least im doing something meaningful.

i've been negleting God so much these few days, no wonder im so screwed. but i know he's still here. he saved me from smashing 7 glasses that i "smartly" stacked and held in one hand. i was seriously fumbling with the stupid stack. it was swaying like crazy! i was literally "dancing" to make it steady. finally i was saved by the kitchen door that provided support. obviously i would expect the person behind me to help.

but no!

cyndi just totally looked at me like she couldnt wait for me to smash it right then and there.
and just squat there drinking sprite.
??????!!!
wow
amusing reaction huh.

but at least God saved me, i could sense him. and he saved me from jamming too horribly. i actually jammed over a friday night instead of valentine's day. but but, its over. and i solemnly promise myself im never gonna kpo over other stations and jamm my own agan.

i really miss you.
sigh.

jana 4:33 AM