how it can wind its way into your heart. how it can grind it, twist it, destroy it but prevail and haunt u till you feel it no more. how it can wire your brain into believing his voice, into believing its value. How u will never forget the lyrics, the notes that strum that memory, drums at the hurt, shouts at the betrayals and pounds like a familiar ache that cannot be forgoforgotten.
that’s the magic of music.

how it can bring your heart so much joy and totally shatter it like a bottle falling from the 23rd storey. All the way down. Smash.
A thousand memories gone in an instant. Love and hatred, hurt and bewilderment mangled up like a car crash that totally snatches everything from you , just one blow that just takes the last breath out of you.

I decided, so I must stick to it. But never once have I considered how long it would last.
Strangers forever?


I was hoping you would give me an answer that will make me hate you. Just pick her and I will gladly, very prepared-ly give up. But u didn’t. your needs are more important than my hurt. So I did what I know is right, the only way to forget. I’ll have to purge you , tear you away and out of my life.

Im not noble enough to stay here and be a friend. I cant bear the hurt. Im willing to leave because I know u don’t need me. U have her, u have your best pals.
the less the expectations, the less the fall.
but I never had expectations since the start; the moment that I knew about her. I think it only began from there.

Only then did I realize your significance, and all hopes were gone. I don’t and never expected anything but that didn’t stop u from making your way into my thoughts every other moment and shaping my emotions. U know u say u care, but it just doesn’t show at all. Sometimes its not expectations of your actions, but just natural deeds that slip through. That’s the way when u care and love. You don’t realize, u don’t even think of wad to do. It just comes. When you don’t fulfill certain acts, it just means that the thought never came, that just means you don’t actually care that much. Sometimes im just so tempted to ask, what do u say when she’s tired, what do u do when she’s sick,would u bother to find out her schedule if she was working in here, do u miss her, what do u call her, are u close to her, what do u all do together.
so pathetic,
I know.

jana 2:35 AM