what was that for? is it funny to joke about such stuff, whats the wink for? and im not supposed to be bothered anymore, it feels pathetic to not be able to let go. trust me, i was really missing him less, attempting to forget until roche sent me that. how much more does he like her than me? how much more does he miss her than me? then i start seeing them at home together. waking up together, breakfast together, study together, joke and laugh together, waiting for one another to reach home for dinner together, all the blissfullness, closeness, intimacy. its each another that they see every waking hour, its each other they hold to sleep. its like a bond no one can break through. not that i want to. well maybe i do want to. thats why im stopping right now. but its so hard. from anticipating his messages to missing his messages to hoping for them, and remembering my promise not to reply. and then he comes and disrupt my resolution, destroy all the barriers i painfully forced myself to build. its funny how u realise you care for someone that much only when u lose them. its disturbing how everything seems to collapse all at the same time. fate is so relentless, really. why cant i just get an offer from any oganisation to go for a missionary trip. half a year, 1 year, 2 years. i dont think i mind. i'll fly off straight. it feels like theres nothing to hold on to. i dont care about certs, really. my parents still have my brother, my friends have their families, everyone has someone else, maybe its time to use me for the people who have no one. people who havent seen god, havent heard god, havent felt love. part of all this might be escapism on my part but perhaps all these happened for a reason. maybe its His will? i dont know. i dont dare to pray about yan naung. what if god helps me to forget him totally? somehow im afraid to forget, i dont wanna forget, but i know i have to. i think i dont want to move on somehow. tearing yourself away is worse than being pushed away. does he like her or love her? either way, how much does he like me? what is god's plan?
school just seems pointless really. whats the point of me being here. so wad if i get a cert get a job. what's the whole point? people dont even have water nor shelter, what am i doing wasting my life here. whats all the studying for? why cant He just use me in a different way. theres too many educated people around, use me in a different way, let me feel like my life is meaningful. help me to help people, save people, do something for children who have no homes, villages that have no food. its a trial and work thats tough and tedious but at least the effort pays off. this was my initial reason to join odac, to go through and have a taste of all these first. but i guess i just missed my chance because i woke up late. but i know i would have collapsed if i dint rest. average of 2 hours of sleep everyday is killing me. the day just never seems long enough.
i hate parents who nag non stop like chickens. just leave me alone. if i ever become a parent, i'll be grateful my child has friends to talk to and not be jealous that im not the one they look for. its amusing how parents cant tell when their child is troubled or happy. its either that or im born actress. well that has been my cca for 10 years anyway, perhaps it comes naturally, even subconsciously to put on my masks and make them fit perfectly.

jana 10:34 PM