for a moment, i thought my feelings have faded away because for the first time ever i actually did not believe wad he said. i think wads left is the revelation that he'll never love me, i'll never be his one and only, if its possible that he even likes me enough to remember me. i guess its something i always knew deep-down, just that i never mustered the courage to accept it. i think tuesday was the turning point. at mos burger, i was so longing that any familiar face, any friend would drop by, but god brought me no one. so i left for church. i kneeled there and spoke to Him for what seemed like a few minutes but turned out to be an hour. i remember berating him, shouting and blaming him.
why u make him like me, why you make me fall for him, why him, why didnt you tell me earlier he already has a gf, why didnt you stop him or stop me. why you put me in CJ, T06. why dint you force me to say wad i wanted to say to grandma. you were gonna take her away but u dint tell me, you dint make me confess my feelings to her, you took her away without notice and left me drowning in pain and guilt. why dint you make me strong enough to get out of this and be there for other people, why cant i be a source of strength and hope for others. why did you make me so insignificant i can vanish without anyone realising. why cant i have people who need me, and why dint you send me a human that i can cast my burdens on. Jesus is too abstract, my faith is not strong enough. why did you make me look like me, why did you make her so pretty. why did you even let me meet him.. etc
and the list went on with things i cant remember anymore. i guess everything just had to come all at once. i remember wondering why nobody around me realised i was drowning the pew with tears, why nobody came to hug me or share some tissue with me. i remember shouting at Him to the point i thought i hated Him. i remember how much i wished that yan naung would suddenly appear by my side and ask me "shorty, why u crying? you look worse than a salmon now". then the more it hurt cos i knew it was impossible. but i couldnt help but glance up everytime the pew shoke, hoping, longing that God just answered my prayer. i guess i cant describe my emotions at that time, now that 2 days have gone by. the church bell rang and mass had to start. so i left, feeling worse than ever. i hated life, i hated being here. like wads the point. then i realised i had a missed call from fish and co so i went up to check. i dint choose to walk into the outlet, but spoke to anne from outside the railings. i remember walking past wyncy arranging sauce sets, kenneth asking if i wanted to work, and how i managed to give him the "wads wrong with you" face like usual. i remember how i felt like going in, grabbing wyncy and start crying all over again. then i saw him from the corner of my eye. i made the attempt to smile even more while speaking to anne. he called "guest-in" anne left. i knew faintly he was calling my name, i think he wanted to say something to me, but i turned and left. as i went down the escalator, it occured to me it couldnt have been something significant cos sithu was beside him. i couldnt catch my breath, i suddenly had difficulty breathing. for a moment, i felt lost and this question kept ringing in my head. "father you say u will be here for me, u promised. but where are you? are you with me? where are you?" i dint know where to go, i remembered mass was going on so i turned the other way. my feet just brought me to starbucks somehow, perhaps subconsciously it was the only place that seemed familiar. then i realised i was gonna start scaring the whole world, as tears were already building up threatening to spill over. i continued on to the park. "Father where are you?" kept ringing time and again, with fresh warm tears tingling and welling up everytime i heard my voice asking him. so then i headed straight to a bench and now that i think back, it was the bench the couple sat at that day. i literally sobbed into my bag for fear i might scare the children at the slides. my heart was thumping really hard as the tears poured out and i still remember how i couldnt breathe properly. then i remembered how i wept even harder than this, the day that grandma went away. how the whole family was resting and i was crying like crazy in the room, with the song "love me" and this other chinese song playing in the background. i remember how my heart tore when we were looking through her papers and i found my doctor appointment cards from 13 years ago. scenes of her bringing me to a clinic that we always lost our way to flashed. i was 4 years old then, all i remember was her holding an umbrella in one hand, my small hands in the other. i remembered how she always made crocodile meat and force me to drink the reddish soup a long time ago. how she fed me super slowly, how i hated going over to her house because of her weird tonics, how i always forgot to, and how slowly, it never occured that i had a grandma staying in bedok. i had too many things to do and too little time for anything else. slowly, i dint like going over anymore because i dint know how to face her without guilt. but i always wanted to, and time and again when i saw grandparents in the train, i would feel like seeing her. i cried even harder when i remembered how i prayed on that day she was buried, that i will never forget her voice and her looks. God answered my prayer. a vivid image of her still lives on and whenever i remember her, i'll hear her saying "nana, jia peng." it means jana, go eat. thats all i remember, just her at her favourite seat in the kitchen, just one sentence. but its enough. for once in my life, i really wanted someone to see me cry. i was about to call shilong, cos i knew he could run down and save me in like 40 seconds. but then i remembered eve and the pregnancy. so then i remembered vic and i was thinking, leave it to fate. low and behold, i couldnt connect to her phone. so i was back to square one. i dont know how long i continued crying for, until this young little indian toddler walked up to me, and looked into my eyes. he babbled something in tamil, pointed to the sky and left. i was stunned. it felt like he was saying dont cry, God is up there. whether or not he meant that, tears stopped coming down. suddenly i felt peace and a genuine smile broke out. i dont know what he said, but his hazel eyes and his mumbling just felt so special. at that moment i also realised that my whole leg was itching from big mosquito bites and i decided to leave the stupid place, and duh, i headed for coffee. at my favourite seat, i stoned and composed myself, then got a vanilla latte to go with econs notes. i felt the stone in my heart lifted off and suddenly i wasnt that alone. so i concentrated on on memorising wad demand and equilibrium and comparative advantage was. then i received a call from roche about work. she said " yan naung is outside as co-ordinator now. just now i asked him why u look so grim, and he said cos he was missing you. " my heart skipped a beat, but this time it was different, i actually dint believe, somehow it felt like just a passing comment, it lost the ability to burden me anymore. there was still a tinge of sadness that pricked but it wasnt a heavy stone that could drown me in sorrow anymore. i met audrey for prata later on, and it made me realise how much of life i was missing on.
yesterday while talking to yip, disappointment in him came again. i still dont know whether or not to believe he actually betrayed me. i guess itll be a mystery i'll never want solve. yesterday was just bad because none of them could understand how my graphic calculator worked, even AK, and i had to work 7-10 due to lack of staff. but i have to say ivy was my hero. she totally un-stiffed my neck. so now im missing her and her massage techniques. on a sad note, i just cancelled my shift today so i wouldnt see him till sunday. u know sometimes i really wonder if he knows my schedule like i know his. but this shall remain a mystery too. not keeing in contact is working, so i shall stick by it no matter how unwell i feel.
