its not that im not there for you. since you dont look for me, means you have someone else to talk to, im not needed already. well im glad for you really. though sometimes im so tempted to give u advice and ask if everything's fine, i must admit i dont do it cos theres too much on my own mind i cant let you depend on me fully. im afraid we both might collapse together, and im not sure if you want it from me. maybe i was just another season in your life. but if you've found another friend to share your problems with, im glad for you really.

let go. thats all i can say. your notion of friendship is not pure, thats why he doesnt accept it. your relationship is not gonna go back like how it was before because u still like him and u still want him and he knows it. so accept that from that day on, you are no longer his other half, accept that you wont get to snuggle up against him anymore. its over. i know i sound really harsh or u might not like it im saying such stuff. but yea. he is not gonna want to open up as good friends until u show u have already let go. it will be a miracle to find a couple that still has feelings for each other become good friends straight after a breakup. so cool off from him, face it, let everything become a memory, only then a pure friendship can form.

human nature. mankind longs for glory, loves to be superior. but what good does it do? so what if you manage to become closer to them than me, so what if it looks like you're more popular. does it make a diff? so what if you know more gossips or you seem like a nicer person. its all on the surface, if i can see it, others will see it soon. dont twist events or twists my words and stuff like that. well its not a character trait thats really horrible because its human nature, is common. just know that it doesnt make a difference actually. but i stil love you all the same anyhow.

i think he doesnt like me anymore. especially after the table 25 thing. it just felt so painful to see him annoyed at me, and the fact i made such a huge mistake. felt so stupid after that, but hell, its over. oh but im bothered that he dint respond when i said sorry. fiercest co-ordinator ever. emphasis on precision is what made that intolerable but what makes you, you. i thought u were that great to be in ACCA but then i realised that its only great because you are one of the youngest there. chey. but u are still great la lol. and you cut your hair but its saddening cos its still the same old style.

im torn between NP and staying on in CJ. i cant sort out my thoughts yet. why do i wanna leave CJ? whats gonna become of me if i get to NP? am i good enough for the course? what if i dont get to university? and then again can i do well for 'A's? can i tolerate another 2 years in here. am i actually cut out for CJ? i dont even feel a sense of belonging to be honest, other than the quotes all around school. im very possibly due for suspension even when im only 3 weeks into school. 2 years more? 2 years of studying maths, 2 years of having no desirable CCA, 2 years more of T06, 2 years more of bitchiness. but then again, i dont know how to live without that. oh my goodness. its really confusing you know. i think poly is the easy way out, maybe thats why i wanna go there. but what can i do for God there? seeked refuge at novena church again. i said i would leave everything to you and i left with peace in my heart. but now whats my next step? am i supposed to apply for NP, is that where u want me to go? sometimes i just cant hear you. if only u had a human voice loud enough to wake me up, shake me alive. im just insensitive to your voice and your callings, thats why i always go round and round, lost. i mis-take my own desires as your plan, thats whats very wrong with me. i really wanna do something thats of your plan, for your purpose but i dont know what it is, which way to go. im really praying hard for a sign f.........
okay so my mum just walked in and gave me the email of the lecturer from NP. erm ok and she was so sure i decided on poly already. so how. or maybe that was a sign. omg. this is brain-racking seriously. and "cradle" is playing now. omg shut up.
okay i think i should pray really hard again before emailing him tonight. but i think im gonna miss the class, somehow. i already settled down and i'll have to pack and leave, all over again. but guess wad? im settled down to the degree i dont even have a pencil case. i bring just one honourable black pen to school. okay so im typing my email now.

jana 7:45 PM