Friday, April 13, 2007
its slowing returning to the friendly mode. well we actually had eye contact today. it came really out of the blue and well yea, i dont know how to explain the feeling either. and i feel like he doesnt like me anymore. so i guess its supposed to be a good thing? but i know i still do. and lina just confirmed he's been together with her like more than 3, maybe 4,5 years. and so, he is a jerk. hurray.
i havent been thinking about the feelings of those around me recently. perhaps subconsciously i make people into seasons in my life because i dont know how to make them a lifetime. i must say alot of disappointment surfaced today, perhaps they've always been there, just that i chose to love their faults. i really dont get the concept of gaining glory at the expense of your friends, regardless of how picayune the extent may be. im not sure if you do it on purpose or its a subconscious trait. and then again,
"why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eyes and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
-matthew 7:3
i havent been putting my best into work at all recently. sigh must really buck up, especially when zahtun comes out of the bar to help and i just stand there and talk. cant help it, too much to say =p and sigh. working tomorrow night again and him too. its complex to fully explain what i feel when i see him. somehow its a mess of gladness and sadness all mangled together. like it just makes my day so blissful and worthwhile to see him. i actually feel like just going up to him to hug him and well yes, kiss his neck. i know it sounds sick but its because i can only see his neck due to his height and if im not wrong, i actually do owe him one on the neck.
today i was freaked out by table 61. totally felt like i was selling my body for the company seriously. i was literally scanned up and down, left and right and i quickly left before they could ask my email or number. it was a "visual-sexual-harrassment" and rochelle was one of the culprits. she forced me to prostitute my fake smile to a bunch of lechers. omg. yes yes it was that bad. im feeling horrible all over again for being such a lazy server. oh man.
and so miss jana ho, "young lady" as michael tan puts it, was sent for suspension outside the staffroom for 9 hours. i almost died because he only granted my break at 11.30. i literally wanted to faint from starvation. but mr eyecandy brightened up my day once again. for a moment i was thinking more about him than mr jerk. one sings like a bass while the other sings like a chicken =) he's just super clumsily cute. lol alright whatever. i sound like a lovesick bimbo now. yes i always do, i know. was actually feeling so screwed and freaking pissed until work just made me hyper again. oh man im a horrible server, a horrible runner. and something really made me disappointed in her again. its a trivial matter, but it shows alot about her emotions and her thoughts. and so the malicious jana was tempted to take revenge, but yea just a super slight one. and yes, i committed a few sins today, most at work. im losing touch with the big love that jesus teaches, and i actually see my world turn into unloving people. backstabbers, hypocrites, greedy for glory, jealous friends, extremely annoying parents. all the profanity concealed deep within is starting to surface again. to be honest i just cursed my mum a fucking bitch under my breath a sec ago. omg. i feel so horrible.
i feel really genuinely glad and just so happy that i can now surely say i love Him more than even my family. i can imagine life without my earthly loved ones but not without him. i really love him and want to love him. but i cant stop human nature, im not strong enough. how i wished i was just made sinless and so holy that i dont sin against my Father, that i can evangelise to the whole world, show him and his love, share all that i have with Him with people that i love. i wished my little world feels his unconditional and perfect love and loved him too. i dont know how to explain, but it really feels like having Him around makes up for everthing else, like really everything. ms lo struck me awake. yes i can only evangelise effectively when i really lead a true christian-life. to imitate jesus, to be inspired so that i may inspire, be loved so deeply that i may love even my enemies. and not marginalising the fundamentals like being punctual. SIGH. its the hardest thing on earth for miss "young lady" here. i just cant be on time. but by his power, i shall =D. and yes, i just cursed fuck you under my breath again. and fuck you ji by. omg. i better stop. even reciting silently is such a horrible sin. okay i must stop. "freak you little cutie." from now on, till im able to love even the worst nags, i'll substitute my profanities with this little phrase.
i better work harder tmr. dont wanna be lazy anymore and i really hope God touches her, touches me, so that she may change, i may learn to love and prolong this friendship. i should really stop judging, but i cant. its a natural intinct. but i was really so disappointed. i dont think she could tell either but yes yes, its YOU. yes dont turn back, its YOU im talking about, yes you, dont doubt.
sent the poly email thing already. havent got a reply till nw. but i shall leave it up to the lord. trust in his plan for me, his purpose for me.