Friday, April 27, 2007
im really very tired but i still feel so happy that even though the world has left, He'll always be here. sometimes i wonder why i havent slit my wrists yet, i realise because he really truly loves me. and i reflect i feel like i've betrayed the only person who will be here whenever i need him, whatever i need him for. sometimes i wished i just naturally loved him enough like he's the only one i'll ever need, then life wouldnt suck like this. kelly says its a season of winter i've to go through. what if i never get through? everything's screwing up, everyone i care about seems so unfamiliar and distant and so wrong suddenly. so many dillemas so many misunderstandings, so many secrets so much hurt, mistrust, misjudgement.so much that should be said but is left unsaid, uncovered, full of hurt and anger. i know he will deliver me one day but i cant help but doubt at times. when i feel like i really cant take it any longer when i feel like breaking down in front of the whole world, i'll start wondering if those are really his plans,maybe i just naturally suck.if its him, why is he not here, maybe he doesnt love me anymore, im not as important as the rest who are so much holier who trust so much more in him. i was in so much fear today, i found him, but i realised that i didnt love him enough. i think that was the worst part. and i didnt love him enough to give up my all to him. but i know only he will remain here with me throughout this season. he made everything, he allowed everything to screw up, he must have a plan.if it must hurt and suck then fine, let it be. maybe the whole point is for me to learn how to trust and depend only on him, like what kelly says. yea maybe. i really find it so tiring so hard, but kelly says he's going through it, feeling the same pain. so maybe i should revert back to the "happy jana". this phrase really struck me. then i realised she meant the jana who would say "just trust him". if i hurt this much, he would probably hurt twice. imagine the number of children he'll have to carry, the amount of pain he'll have to go through in total.
he'l wipe away my tears.