i dont know. are we friends now? he calls me sweety, issit a joke or wad.
if he actually means it, even though he's really jerk but that means i still mean something to him. okay jana ho should shut up, i sound so cheap. btw,i think he lied about msn, i dont know, not sure. i just know that i dont have trust in him anymore. oh im supposed to massage him,$10/h.something like that. lone lone is afraid i'll fall in love, wont la. thats too extreme. the most is like him alot. i keep imagining one day we can end up as good frens, sharing his joy, fears, sadness is enough,i dont need him to love like me. or is that too much already? i guess he doesnt need another good fren? he already has alot. sigh

novena church yesterday. i was flipping through the hymn book just to look at the lyrics of silent night, and this hymn really struck me:

Love was when
Love was when God became a man,
locked in time and space,
without rank or place;
love was when God born of jewish kin
just a carpenter with some fishermen.
Love was when Jesus walked in history,
lovingly he brought a new life that's free;
Love was God nailed to bleed and die
to reach and love one such as I.

Love was when God became a man
Down where i could see love that reached to me;
Love was God dying for my sin
And so trapped was I my whole world caved in.
Love was when Jesus rose to walk with me,
Lovingly he brought a new life that's free;
Love was God only life would try
to love and reach one such as I.

i read it over twice,as tears just welled and spilled down. i cant explain why it affected or touched me so much either, all these i already know. Jesus loves me, he died for me, he bled and suffered unbearable pain and torture, just for my sins. but when i read the hymn, i just cried. so i decided to copy it down on my fish&co order chit. tears just stung and poured out as i penned down these words. as i was typing, i also started tearing. unexplainable, unfathomable. maybe his voice sounds so clear through the lyrics? i dont know. sometimes i marvel at how he can touch me out of the blue without me able to understand why. how he heals in the most amusing ways.

btw i didnt go to school today, still had headache. i feel like a pig, i realised i slept 50 hours in 3 days. and i messaged him that. thats the er, 4th time throughout 4 months i initiated a message. he hasnt replied,but somehow, it doesnt bother me that much.maybe its god's healing? ya possible. but i always feel so at peace and relieved after walking out of novena church, i always end up calling up frens just to spread the love. well ya, something like that. haha. yesterday i immediately called victoria, well that was because i had a miss call from her, then i called pat, and dont know why, i called joan and max.

i realised how much family really cares when you are sick. like how my dad actually woke up just to give me panadol and buy food for me. and my mum keeps calling to check on me and keep asking the same questions, though it can be a little annoying. only my brother doesnt seem to care, grr. okay he did buy dinner for me last night, thats it. i've decided to care for anybody else like their family would when they are sick,cos it feels good to be loved. this reminds me, i forgot to mention that my calling seems to be pale-ing,if theres such a word. but i do feel the need to join a ministy and fellowship. its just, i dont know where, and i've yet to pray about that.

jana 12:40 PM