while in the bath, i suddenly remembered poly, and the people there. like suddenly, for the first time since school started, i felt like they are really a part of me. oh man this is scary. actually no, it shouldnt be scary. lol but yes, i guess im looking forward to seeing my threesome. u know projects really make people grow closer. but ya, i guess im not that close to them yet. somehow, i think im afraid they will replace ij friends. maybe? im not sure. but somehow, im just afraid. actually ya, im reluctant to let go of ij people, even though its been so damn long. i forgot to say just now, that i met rachel tan at fish and co too. she wanted to have dinner, but we closed aleady. i tell u, it was really nice to see her. i mean we were never close, but she just reminded me of ij. u know i cant let go of green house, CLDDS. all the stress, angst, sadness, joy, disappointments, lessons learnt, scars irreplacable, people that i met-- huajia, miss liem, netballers, trackers etc. all shaped me. i think its the familiarity that i miss? like how u can walk into school and totally feel at ease at every single person you see there, how u can start all the ij bimbotic-ness unconsciously, how eveything feels so right. how the staffroom feels so..correct. like how u know every teacher there, u can laugh ike a witch, how u meet people u know at every corner of the school, how even the air there just smells familiar and right. how u know what to expect every morning when u go to school, how u can stain your skirt and not care, like its home. u might not be close to your class, but everyone just feels so... comfortable. yes comfortable. i really dont like myself. why do i always realise i care when its over, i start cherishing things when its gone. sometimes i really wonder wad would be of me if i stayed in CJ. wad cca would i be in, will i be as lazy or will i realise im gonna retain, would i love cj like ij, would i feel like its home? if yes,i really regret coming to NP. it feels so foreign. dont get me wrong, the people are nice and all, my class is nice, my group is really very great, but the school, environment, just sucks. like going to a factory. i always feel that way when i look at the science blocks. the only nice thing about NP is the scenery, trust me. really. and well ya, the netball court, the track, block 56, the area below convention centre thats like my groups home in school. they just remind me of projects, seriously. i love standing at the sixth floor of block 56, looking at the clouds and the canopy of leaves framing the blue sky. i love how the horizon looks when we walk to SIM for lunch on wednesdays and fridays, how it looks like a holiday resort. i like how the only thing that starts my day is when i come out of the cab and i see clouds hovering in a baby blue background, like how everything is beautiful, how god is so wonderful, but realise that its SCHOOL, its NP, its not IJ, its PROJECTS, its DIFFERENT, its not part of me, part of my heart, its not the friends that i have known for half my life, its not humans who speak like me, who can go bimbotic suddenly without people staring at them, its not where i can start talking about music with pat and HER music (i miss her house, her piano, her guitar, her dog. omg. her dog), how i can laugh at victoria's dumbness, shes seriously dumb, trust me. =DDD how i amuse myself with ruishan and adele's weirdness, how joan is funny and laughs like a vacuum cleaner and makes me laugh and makes 4/4 bearable, how wyncy and i started going for night study and sing wayang, that was sec3, how everyday i had to think of mindy's horrible-ness. lol. yes im mean, how i always walked into class late, genuinely feeling sorry but not really bothering to change. i still remember how i had to face the field at st gabriels block in sec3 literally EVERY MORNING. lol everyone knows where i can be found in the morning cos im forever late, forever having to do silent reading in front of the stupid field. i miss the smell of dew of that field, the air, the image of the slope to st michaels, the love among bitches. really. u sense love within a bitchy community. thats ij. haha okay ij poeple will kill me. but thats what i feel of ij. even though theres like mutual hatred between alot of poeple, so much hypocrisy and all, but there still is genuine love in everyone's heart. how ij gals always care for even the bitches they hate. im quite sure, dont spoil my
illusion kay.
the people i wont foget in my life-- house: huajia, miss liem,feline. CLDDS: eunice, jieying, pat. 4/4: wyncy, joan, rebecca. not forgetting victoria too. anyway, enough of ij and all. working at 12 tomorrow. sigh. so tired. if i till feel that way about my poly threesome and not forgetting solange, i'll drop a message tomorrow. but i doubt my pride and ego will relent. HAHA. thats so jana huh.
