i've been feeling horrid over the zahtun thing for 3 days, and believe it or not, i actually cried like shit in church over the fact that i was so selfsih. woah, talking about self-identity man. and i so believe in karma. yesterday, mie mie dropped fish and chips in front of the customers and i was gloating. then i had this thought that i shouldnt gloat cos i should show love. but the gloating just dint stop. and i had this thought i would be punished. and true enough, i spilled chilli dip on the customer.omg. all the managers were there and uh huh. the funny thing is, i thought i just spilled on the floor without realising it actually got her butt. the most embarrassing part was when phyo got me to sit beside him and explained to me my behaviour, cos clearly i was laughing, but that was cos i dint know ispilled sauce on her.i seriously felt like a primary 1 kid getting lectured over my childish and stupid behaviour. then later, lone zahtun and i were talking and naturally, my voice went louder and yong meng shouted "jana!".
im so tempted to shout to everybody to stay away from that person.why cant people just open their eyes and see the real "rainbow" in him. omg, can someone just save me, i so wanna tell the whole world. btw, before this paragraph was typed, i had a longer one on all his disgusting-ness and horribleness, but i decided i dont want karma or punishment to come again. oh no, actually even judging someone is sinful. shit. arghh. but at least no one knows who im talking about.
talking bout the "soul" and self-identity, i dont recognise me anymore. u know, i realise i dont really think anymore. all that thing about analysing a person is all gone. maybe i should be glad cos it helps me to love, but somehow i miss the feeling of knowing someone's character. okay so now i see prideful lucifer in me. shit la. this post is 100% against the ten comandments i tell you. arghhhh.
feel damn sinful. sigh. btw, bought a new rosary cos the old one broke, and it happens to look exactly the same. bought a rosary purse and also a hymns cd. btw, i still dont really believe in mary interceding for us. ohno. but i still pray my rosary now and then, saying, "i dont really know who u are, what u are, but if u are existent, lord plese show me your mother." sounds weird huh, imagining saying that to thin air. lol, but yea, i havent gotten the answer to that and i really hope to. and forgiveness of sins.oh man.
did i mention last friday, i think another god-sent messenger came to fish and co? it was a lady, husband is a taxi-driver too like my dad. and she said he earns 6k every month. i was shocked and she said she knows its a miracle from god. she got to know god when they were really poor and had to struggle to live, in addition to having a brother who was suffering from last stage of cancer.so then one day, she just knelt down and wept. wad she cried out reallly struck me:"this is not fair. u arent here in front of me, u arent even in my sight or here now on this earth, how u expect me to have faith like that woman who touched your cloak. but i believe , i really believe, but u arent here fo me to touch you wad. blah blah " low and behold, his brother was cured of cancer and his husband started earning 6k a month from driving. like hello? its really a miracle, thats like 4 times more than my father, or any average driver, really. when will i see such miracles? when i have faith. how to? pray. and so i really really pray for the gift of faith, more than anything else.
horrible sinner
