i was more over him when i dint see him. not having contact really works so well. i think ivy should try and avoid me then. but, she needs money. that means i should help her right? but i also need money, too bad then. u know im wondering, does she feel more for me or me for yan naung that time?cos if the feelings are equal, i cant understand why our responses are so diff. she really seems prideless and despo and pathetic. issit becos she loves me too much or she just issint a prideful person, or she issint strong enough? i just dont want anyone to be heartbroken cos of me.
yea i was supposed to update about sunday right? hmm. i did opening, so yea cos i was supposed to meet cindy for church first so i was early for work. i happened to be in the kitchen when he arrived, i guess he was kinda shocked when i said hello from behind(at the chillers) and walked to the front of the kitchen. he literally scanned me from head to toe, wth. hmm then, yea he said "too short to see right?" when i couldnt find the can opener on the shelf. when i was laying against the cashier cos i was tired, he said to lone, in english, and so it was meant to tease me "someone too happy yesterday night to sleep huh". then he also teased me "wha tot" with the rest of the boh. oh that reminds me, he told koko about what happened between us, but i dont know what exactly he said, maybe twisted story, or the real one? not sure but anyway, koko made fun of me in front of lone and han when they were clearing rubbish that day. he was like "so how jana, tmr morning working anot? i think so la, cos yan naung working tmr. u know he and me are like best friends, he tell me everything. lone lone, you know anot?" apparently he doesnt realise that i am close to lone. so then i said "she knows everything of my side of the story, you know his one, so shut up." and lone said "ya shut up " lol. cos i was in a bad mood over ivy. she kinda affected me and lone's friendship, we tried to clear it up at starbucks about ivy but ya, it just dint really go the way it should have. but now, its alright already. we dont talk about ivy. hmm wad else... ya i think i feel more and more comfortable with the burmese people, especially zayar and generally, them la. Ye was really nice, he said he will help me find guitar lessons online, but then again, u never know, maybe it was just a passing comment. oh ya, lone was telling me about how good a runner yan naung is. he can carry 4 bigs (seafood platter for 2) in 2 hands and he's damn fast. lone said he was "damn fast". she used the word damn, which is rather unusual. which means he must be really good. and she said compared to zayar who's very good and the best, he's much faster. that made me start imagining him on the floor. hmm, ya i couldnt really focus during work cos of that. haha. he also ever said to her he hates walking past 51-57 cos everybody asks him for chilli and ketchup. lol. i think i like him cos he is capable, in everything?
except as a human being. but. mmm. generaly, i get attracted to people only when they are superior to me. but then again, i hate feeling inferior and thats when tensions start building up within me. thats why my biggest enemy is almost always myself. hmmm. hope he'll be happy whatever he does, wherever he may be. oh and AK is too formal and proper and gentlemanly, it kind of scares me. not scares me la. just makes me feel like a very young little girl when im talking to him. plus he is 25. i feel in-confident in front of him and yan naung. they are so alike la. they just have so much confidence it affects your own confidence. and i guess thats why they are attractive. and ya, i changed my schedule this week again. instead of going AMK for new menu trng on sun, i changed with zayar and went on mon, so that i can see him on sun. shit. i was supposed to leave it to fate right? sigh.
somehow, fish and co feels more like home than school. okay ya i have been there for 8 months compared to 3 months in school. hmm. wonder when i will make good frens with my classmates? i feel very comfortable with them, but not close. but i do treasure people ike xinru. huiwen, xiumin, solange. i think for solange, i feel closer cos of religion and also we speak eng and not just chinese. it makes people feel closer to not have language barriers. for xinru, i feel the most comfortable with her i guess. maybe also cos she's the first fren i made in poly, and i dont know why, it just feels super comfy with her. like i've known her longer than i actually do. but i cant really talk to her about my inner feelings (yan naung) cos she doesnt really have experience about such things. about him, its easier with xiumin. but we're not close, cos she's close to yiqi and among the 4 of us, she's closest to huiwen. they've been classmates since sec school. plus im not a disciplined person, very diff from her. but i know she's prob the type i can be good frens with, just that im not putting in effort and i dont think either of us see the need to. but i do respect her for her disciplined leadership. she's good at completing stuff. huiwen is like a grandma. i know she thinks alot, more than xiumin, though it doesnt seem like that. but hmm. straightforwardness is not something i'll say about her. but i guess thats cos to her, sunyanzi can make up for alot of things and, things arent significant enough for her to be direct and talk about her honest innermost opinions. she's easy-going, goes with the flow. xiumin is more of a leader. i dont mind "following" her, cos i think i treat poly like a part-time thing. lol. like usually, i think its like a 'i dont really care' thing. plus she completes stuff better than i can. since when im known to complete things unless i want to. and she's closer to huiwen. ehh wait, why am i suddenly voicing out my analysis of human beings suddenly? lol hhaha. okay nvm. im just writing out wadeva strikes my brain. thats why this post is kind of incoherent and weird grammar. but i've been getting more and more serious about school recently, really. next semester, i got a feeling i might be hardworking. oh shit. nah actually its supposed to be a good thing.
have been praying more recently. you know once u step away from god, its hard to feel like your glued to him and in him again? or maybe its just me. but no matter wad, i believe he'll always be here cos i received him and he wont leave me. i just gotta believe. oh i came up with a chorus in the toilet that day. thats like 4 tunes from the toilet alr. the words are like this;
you're my maker
you're my redeemer
you're the Lord my God (echo: lord my god x2)
up on the cross you gave your life for me
and now i just have to believe that you will always be there
forgive me my sins
forgive me my sins
forgive me my sins
haiy. i havent found anyone, any human, minus jesus, to open up to. like really feel like i can say anything and everything to. from my joys to every fear or guilt. thats why im afraid of falling in love. cos if i ever give my heart, it means really alot alot. its plus literally ALL my trust and all of me. i think my husband might be the only one to know every single thing about me, unless i do keep in touch with the few good frens i have now, and hoping, maybe lone lone. so that i can go myanmar and climb mountain, lol. actually, i dont think she would understand wad im saying unless i learn burmese. lol. its always more of her talking. actually i think its generally like that with most people.
i hate this post and i love this post.
our adequacy is made adequate in him.the heart, and the thoughts
