no matter how mature one may be, there will always be times when we feel like an immature, ignorant kid. thats one of those times when you start seeing yourself in a totally different light, feeling all disappointed and embarrassed. however, as time fades everything, u realise you've grown and whatever happened remains in your memory and becomes an experience to keep, and to lead and guide others. i guess thats how it goes.
random thought: everything in life happens for a reason.everyone you meet are there for a reason. ecclesiates 3.
zayar was absolutely rude today, GRRRRR. he pulled my shirt and dragged me. idiot. "nga peing!". you know good impressions always fade in time. it might be due to the fact you've seen more of a person or somehow, you're numb to wadeva you thought was good about him/her.
hoping is not pathetic, its not facing reality that is pathetic. no wait, hoping = not facing reality. let me rephrase. hoping is pathetic when reality is right in your face, but cherishing the memories are not. i guess my point of view has always been that we should let go, and that doesnt mean forgetting. ivy should let go and stop hoping which means stop messaging me, even if she still has very strong feelings. the more she messages, the more i am freaked out and pity her inability to be strong, the more she herself cannot let go. like how the bible describes sins, that if "your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It's better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go to hell." its like that with love. it's better to cut it off right now than to hurt and prolong the pain, and drag yourself to the point you cant come out of it anymore. if him/her hasnt affected you to the point you feel like writing a will and leaping into the mrt tracks, then you havent hit rock bottom of the pit. so its better to hurt like hell just for now and be healed in time, than to allow your desires to inflict agony from pining to the point you lose yourself. you're pathetic if you want to be like that. cos then you are selfish. look at the world around you. how many people are losing loved ones in accidents, in natural disasters, in pointless wars overnight. how many orphans have never felt the warmth of family love, how many old folks are deserted by the children they have painfully brought up throughout the years, how many old people who've never found a life partner and live all alone in 1 room flats, old people who live on meagre rations of thin congee and are plainly waiting for the end of their lives. or even just old people who are working in mac donalds or clearing tables in the market, or picking cardboard and cans to sell for a few coins for a meal. and here you are despairing over one human who plainly doesnt have intentions of holding your hand or kissing you, or just feels like remaining normal friends with you. its more meaningful to transfer all that energy of despairing over a love you cannot get, to people who are pining for the least bit of love in this life. wad really woke me up from feeling betrayed and despairing over the fact he loves someone else and he doesnt love me, was when i cried so hard and suddenly God brought me this thought of stupidity. then somehow, why i fell for him, what was going on, what i should do felt validated. i think through yan naung and the disapointment and hurt, God prepared and gave me a heart for those who arent lucky to receive as much love in this life as me. look at the family and friends around you that care, why inflict the same burden and hurt you feel now on them? they dont deserve it, neither do you, and neither does he deserve you giving up love just because you cant get it from him. right? right. that was in reference not to only one person.
after typing that, i suddenly feel i should contact sister svendser. oh some background knowledge here: cindy met this lady in the train who gave her the contact number of this lady, sister svendser, who heads an american team of missionaries in singapore. the thing that struck me immediately when she told me this was-- missionaries- in singapore. i've always been wanting to go to china and help the people there when my own community is left to rot, and nobody even knows about them rotting, nobody realises that in the midst of their own fortune, they fail to recognise there are humans around them who havent heard of God, or plainly are far from having 3 meals a day. i am one of those people. maybe thats why wad i felt was my calling, faded? im really not sure of whats god's plan and what i should do with my life. but i know that my affinity with mandarin is a gift and i know theres a plan, that i dont have to be sure of at this point in time. i intend to call her tomorrow morning. i cant possibly be in china now, so i guess i should do something more meaningful with the hols. even if i dont exactly feel the presence of jesus in my life right now, i know he's there. sharing love with others shouldnt just be for religion right? i shall pray about it before i sleep.
i need to feel jesus. i need to start spending more quiet time with him, and not just 10min prayers before dozing off. mmhmm. a new resolution. i need a ministry to grow spiritually and to always be reminded of jesus, lest dirty sins get the better of me. okay, i shall go to church tomorrow before work. btw, i bitched alot alot about may thu and su mon han, these 2 burmese OJEs (on-job-evaluation) today. i think i spent an hour solely on bitching and exaggerating their faults. oh dear. well actually i felt like i should stop halfway thru bitching, but i decided to continue because i dint wanna seem stupid and hypocritic. haiy, vicious cycle. i need to pray.
was thinking of going to my aunt's place in australia this hols. initially i think i cant bear not going to fish and co for a few weeks, but somehow, now i feel like its pretty pointless. i would rather go somewhere with peaceful mountains and hills and streams and pastures than er, perth... shopping? hmm. but if i wanna go somewhere with beautiful nature, who's gonna go with me? i'll be murdered by my parents for even suggesting going to such ulu places alone. darn it.
btw, i just replied ivy, after dunno how long. i hope this helps. well actually, i wish i spoke burmese, cos i have a feeling she wont fully understand what im trying to say.
"its not cos you're not a guy. i ever liked a gal for 3 years before. its just i dont like you, i have no feelings for you at all. i think the best thing for you is to stop waiting or hoping. the more u message me, the more irritated i feel. look at the world around you. how many children are born without parents, how many people lose their loved ones in accidents, in floods, in wars, how many people have never felt love in their lives. or just look at how much your parents love you, the effort they put in for you. stop living in sadness just cos i only wanna be a normal fren. u feel pain right? think about how the people who care for you feel to see u like that. your mum and dad, your family and friends like lone lone. i think you should start living your life properly and think about your future, and the people who need you. i have no feelings for you and i never will. as a fren, i just hope to see you live your life properly and bring love to the people who need it from you. take care, i'll pray for you."
it was 6 pages long. in all honesty, as i was typing that, parts of it felt like i was saying it to myself too. i guess people do grow, and i know i am too. as for people who see that reply as total hypocrisy and lame, theres nothing much i can do. for now, i feel thats the best i can do to help ivy and to a certain extent, myself. maybe a few months down the road when i re-read this, i might have yet another different perspective? who knows, people do grow. as for now, i wanna be life-giving and not life-taking. hard as it might seem, i know theres people who have done it, and theres so many people who've found reason to live because of this. i wanna transform my own life and somebody else's life. perhaps for now, there is a tinge of selfishness in my motivation ; that is to live a meaningful life, but i know no matter wad the reason and whether it is right or wrong, it would bring love to someone and in the long run, it wouldnt matter wad my motivation is, as long as others may find love. it all seems quite utopic, but i shall pray for it to materialise.
its currently 4am. i shall post ivy's reply some other day. wah like drama serial, lol.
