"happiness is meant to be discovered, and not synthesized."
was contemplating on writing a whole entry on that statement, but i guess i shall leave it at that. its from this gal's blog (she was fron ij, same batch as us), whose posts never stop spurring me to reflect and think. somehow looking at her, i see an amplifed version of me, who keeps pondering over life and its meanings.
i guess to me, life is for God. even though i havent made a decision to be a nun or a full time missionary or whatsoever, somehow i know where my life is going. i know that im here because He made me, im alive cos he wants me to be alive, im not just part of some planet in some galaxy in the midst of zillions of similar creatures leading similar lifestyles, i know i belong to someone, somewhere, and im working to see that someone, that somewhere. maybe i am chasing the dark in a sense, just moving forward for something i have drummed into my mind as reality. perhaps like what eunice said 4 years ago, when we die, we just vanish. no memories, u dont even know you are dead, u arent even existant, probably becomes a cell, part of the air. basically, one becomes absolutely non-existant. ya maybe. or maybe your soul flies out and gets transported to somewhere in the earth deep down, like maybe where the lava of the earths crust is, and maybe thats the hell religions are talking about, or maybe your soul just starts floating and you have mental powers or powers gained from eating incense so you can fly about and scare the rest of the species whose souls are still in the shell. who knows? and thats why, i stand by faith. i wanna say i KNOW He is there, but if you arent a christian, u would say its delusion, or maybe a synthesized happiness in a way. so i choose to say, i have faith that he is there, he's my maker, he's the super power thats controlling this galaxy, he's the omni-potent no one can understand, he's the one thats cares most for the creatures he makes. like "prison break" advocates, FAITH, is important to me, faith keeps me going. i never knew wad life was about, yea just clock in at school, do what im supposed to do, work for my house, do some stupid play, wait to get into some jc. well at least now, i've found meaning in my life, to live it well because thats what he gave me, that what he made. i must live for this chance he has given me, and use my life to love and be life-giving, because thats what he is, and thats why i even exist. now i know what im living for, i just havent gotten down to exercise it, but i know next semester, i will start being a student cos thats what he wants me to be. i might not be certain of his plan for my future, but i guess now that im here and am a student, he must have a plan for me, i just have to do wad he wants me to do. even if as of the present, there issint any specific plan for me (which i highly doubt so) i should live my life to the fullest, because thats what he made me for, thats what he gave me a body, a mind and emotions for.
whenever sadness starts flooding in, be it because of yan naung or friends or family, be it anger or guilt, i know that he is there waiting for me to open up and receive him. most of the time, i choose not to, cos i know he's gonna tell me things that would make my circumstance even harder to bear albeit knowing subconsciously that thats the best and most rightful choice. evil comes and tells me that He's just gonna make it worst by giving me a set of rules and instructions to live by to gain happiness, and that wallowing in my own emotions is the easy way out. but im glad, and finally really joyful after 16 years of blind life, that i am a christian, i believe that jesus died for my sins to redeeem me and save me, the he is with God my father now and looking at my every move, caring for my every emotion and waiting for me patiently to come home. no matter how lonely i feel, somehow its still a far cry from in the past, cos now, i know that there is someone who cares, and im gonna see him after i strive to live for him, when i finally see his grace and mercy bring me home. its a different kind of loneliness, somehow most times now, instead of saying that no one in this world cares, i cry, "why cant you become flesh in my face once again and be here, flesh and bone beside me?" i know its childish to think this way, but im still a baby christian and still growing. but im glad that at least now, i found him. i just have to start walking towards him.
in all honesty, i never meant to write a whole post on my faith, but somehow while thinking of what happiness really is, that just came. naybe then happiness is knowing the true meaning behind whatever u are doing or whatever u desire. everyone has different perspectives on happiness. i might believe its living by God's word, someone else may believe happiness is to see the people beside u happy. well i guess it doesnt matter, as long as you know its a right thing, and u have a true desire. maybe ur happiness is money, then fine, so be it. as long as u have a motivation in life to keep u going. just dont go for unrighteous stuff i guess, unless u are a lil bit screwed up in the brain and u believe that smuggling drugs keeps u happy. if its for the money, do something else, even a waiter is fine, because if u are a normal human being with a regular brain and heart, you prob wont feel happy living in fear all day long and witnessing your acts killing someone else slowly and painfully. but aiya, sorry but im a catholic, ehh actually, i shouldnt even apologise. well yes, i do believe that God brings me true meaning in life and so much peace and love all at the same time. and heres a prayer that more people will start finding him.
im sorry if anyone reading this happens to not like God or haappens to not believe. but yea, heres hoping that each and everyone that i love find their own true happiness and meaning in life, and be able to bring happiness not to just themselves, but also to those around them, for whats life when u dont embrace the life around you? thats not living, thats just surviving, and that in itself is really so sad. why dont you just go leap into one of those railways or down one of those buildings? maybe the other life has more meaning than this one. ya hey, i really wonder whats there? will i see flowers there? will it be a beach? or issit a palace? i ever read someone's blog. he asked a friend, who happens to be one of the brothers, what do u see when u get to heaven? what is the first thing he asks you? what will you do? and the brother answered that, well, just an embrace from our Father will answer every single thing in our our life. well something like that, thats the gist of it. "17 times to heaven" that book, forgot the title, the author says she goes through the most peaceful places and then to a palace that just feels of so much love. well, i guess its not for us to ponder whats there up up in heaven, but for us to know that its paradise with our Father, and that we'll just have to live a life deserving of it, albeit having a God thats full of mercy and grace.
enough for today.oh and just an update (for myself), he dint message me today, he dint come online. but who cares? hoping is bad. its better to love without hoping for anything in return, and God makes up for it :D which reminds me, i wanna go to church tomorrow morning, but i've absolutely not enough sleep. how?!!!? im glad i let go of him, once again. i know the worst part is over, when i said stop contact that time. anything else now cant be worse than that. i got thru that, so letting go now is much easier plus, i have jesus. yay.
people mature by day, but i become dumber and more retarded. damn, i was actually interested in this winnie the pooh stuff toy, and spent 7 bucks trying to get it from the dumbo arcade machine. arghhh. jana ho whats wrong with you. but i feel like buying a super huge teddy bear, like bigger than half of me to put by my bed. hahahh. oh mann, but its rather hard to find an appealing bear face. u know like how some dogs are ugly but some are just cute. how some people are pretty and some just not exactly u know, like me. hahhahh. teddy bear teddy bear teddy bear. i want it more than a guitar!
