well, school starts tomorrow (in 5 hours). i guess i am determined to start afresh all over again, be it academically or socially.
life is tiring. we are called to love, and in love is endurance, patience, understanding, fearlessness... the list goes on. yea, true hapiness is in loving but yet the source of hapiness is itself, the most exhausting one of all. we are humans, there is no way we can love without feeling tired. yes, it is through christ we find our strength, through christ we learn to love, thru christ that we find peace. however, the journey of finding him; who would ever say it is not gruelling. how often would one manage to reach that utopic point of loving Him more than the world? one in a million? even Mother Teresa could not, she counted on Faith and the love for fellow human beings. in all honesty, i wouldnt hesitate to assume that she endured the most tiring form of love ever.
when i finally understood, and not just know how tiring it can be to live or love, i realised that my mother must have been very tired all this while. i wouldnt hesitate to assume either, that it has been more exhausting for her than any other of my friends' mums. like christ might be Mother Teresa's life, i know im her life. its not just about loving or caring for me anymore, its about the root of her being. I AM HER LIFE. i know she wont live if i die tomorrow. its a contrary to how i can still live if she wasnt around, albeit being devastated. do all parents in the world make their children their life? i think not. perhaps its me being all cynical again, however, i still have this belief that its rare to be the life of another human being, or to make the person your life, because we are humans. humans are selfsih, its just a matter of the degree of selfishness. i guess then, "love" could be a choice. just that this "love" doesnt co-incide with my definition. perhaps mine is really utopic.
life is so vague, the world is so big, the skies are so endless, the winds are so unseen. humans; who are we? just a species of cells in the midst of billions and zillions of larger and more "ancestral" molecules and organisms. why then do we try so hard? why do we dream so much, of conquering our own thoughts, conquering our own beings, conquering our feelings, conquering others, conquering the world itself, then learning and trying to know more and to grow, or to change or to love. why? its equivalent to staring at a coloney of ants trying to build a home, establishing a system of finding scraps of food and then working together to bring it home, scampering all about trying to live, and yet, all die in just one second when a glass of water gently brimms over. we look at them; personally, its pity, maybe for some others its sadistic joy of witnessing gory stupidity, maybe for yet others, its a feeling of indifference. its like us, human beings u know. we try hard for our ambitions, our goals or just plain essentials like frenship and BGRs. we really try so hard and give so much. but do we ever stop and think, SO WHAT?
so what if ur dreams are fulfilled, so what if you get the job u want, u possess the person you desire, u find a soulmate. SO WHAT? when the oceans gently brim over, VOOM! u'll just be like one of the millions of that coloney of cloned ants, annihilated in a milisecond. maybe the earth's crust softly yawns and stretches a little, u wouldnt even be existant in a split second. why try so hard?
some would then say, because all is pointless in the end, we should just enjoy and work to make life the best it can be. however, from satisfaction comes pleasure and from pleasure, human nature to desire more. to stop the cycle, shouldnt we then just stop having, stop giving. but then again, your life would be wasted in pure sadness, even if it was to be just for one day. so i think i've come to a decision, that perhaps the best way to live would just be acceptance. always prepared for the worst and not hoping, accepting what life gives you. study because u have to, doing well because u are supposed to and accepting whatever fate throws at you. dont try and conquer what life throws at you, dont try and change what cannot be changed. perhaps then, in acceptance would be peace. and with peace, comes true bliss. happiness will only be felt and cherished when theres sadness, but in peace, theres no left or right, up or down. u are there, in that point of origin and security which brings peace will envelope you. whens theres peace, theres no extremes, be it hapiness or sadness. when u are happy, u can only become sad. when u're sad, u can only become happy. when u are at peace, u are just there, probably with a serene smile like the forest of a big, huge mountain breathing, the winds bathing its full being in the breeze of dawn.
