city harvest zone youth camp finale was last thursday. i didnt have time to blog about it, cos as usual, i had to rush all my last minute projects. well just a summary, even though i dint go for the full camp, their testimonies about it proved to be a very fruitful one, and the guy who called his dad to say "i love you" really touched me. during the last part of praise and worship session, i witnessed the holy laughter. read about it in " heaven is so real" and i when i saw so many people touched by the holy spirit, it was truly amazing. i kept smiling, on the verge of laughing, while tearing furiously. well the laughter part, i could feel the joy and all in me but i didnt allow myself to just release everything and laugh. see, not surrendering. well anyway, i think god wants me to be part of this cell group, seems like fate kinda thing.
anyway, about helping yu jie, the cell grp leader, i dont know. i dont even exactly know why im hesitant or afraid, doesnt seem like me. maybe cos i know the responsibilities are much greater than just cca or house, and my faith has to be
SO strong. but then again, helping can just be helping for the sake of helping and nothing else right. maybe its just my human greed for glory and at the same time knowing that this is not something that just desire can help me attain. or maybe im afraid of seeing myself as more than who i am. or maybe its fear of failure, and if its that, its prob cause i forget its about being an instrument of god, and not my own capabilities. or maybe its something else. but anyway, i just know that i need to learn humility and have a strong foundation of faith before entering any ministry or trying to help anybody around me. actually im rather interested in the dialect ministry and serving elderlies. i just have this heart that reaches out more to the old people than aids patients. issit my calling? havent prayed about it yet. instead of worrying about all these unecessary things (which i havent prayed about and thats why im worrying), i should be focusing on learning to trust him and let the holy spirit change me from inside out. by the way, i really need to change, very selfish and its obvious from the littlelest things-- like how when i came out of the car, (i was the last), instead of closing the door, i went and take my bag and just walked off. thank god for reminding me my sins. hallelujah.
life is.. hmmm.
after 4 days of not praying, cos by the time i reach home and finish bathing its like 3am and my eyes close automatically,i can feel the joy subsiding and thats why i need to maintain a relationship and not a religion. i need to change, and change for jesus and not for the sake of leaving a better impression. and thats why, i should be having more quiet time instead of falling asleep half way through reading the bible. oh mann.
im glad that this year, im celebrating xmas because im joyful that my saviour was born and not because its an interesting season. i dont wanna backslide ever again cause now that i found him, i dont ever wanna feel without him. its equivalent to losing a purpose for your life and feeling empty, like how i always did.
life used to feel like sitting in a car on an empty road and watching congruent trees pass by. now it feels like im driving that car on that same road, but i see a stone building in the far distant, im speeding. perhaps one day my glass of wine will be half-filled, and filled with the joy of sharing it.
today, many.. okay ONE misunderstanding was cleared. its the one about shawn from SCC and the division thing. just a question, whats the definition of close friends, or friends of any degrees? guess it varies. what about walking with christ then? how do you define that? what about priests or maybe CGLs who take christ as their best friends? how do they feel, do they feel lonely? yea i guesso. and thats why ultimately people always have a spouse in the end, chosen by christ of course. what about priests? prob the love for christ makes up for anything else. im used to not wanting to open up to anyone but the fact that u actually feel totally great about it makes me curious. but then again, humans: even your closest friends or family members fail you. its definite. so then going to jesus as your sole comforter is fathomable. im just curious to know how it feels like. thats why i should stop dozing off with my bible over my face and start talking to him. ahh btw, the question i had about whats marriage for, what are partners in life exactly for, actually i felt the answer coming while reading genesis but err, i fell asleep. not on purpose! for now, i still think its for fellowship and his plans. just that, so who do you go to first when u feel down? actually, we are all representatives of christ himself right, and we are supposed to see christ in the peeple around us. but its like the doctor-patient theory, do u go to your partner for answers or for sharing? do u go to god for answers or sharing? how do you do both, and who do u actually go to first?
sorry, just writing wadeva comes into my brain.
stars; they only shine when you choose to see their light.
