i was about to type out how i found christ again in this 2 weeks and all that has happened, then i realise after procrastinating my post for so long, i kinda forgot alot of the details thats really important. okay here goes, hoping that in periods of darkness, these will help to strengthen my faith.
okay so the first time i re-entered city harvest was er... 4 weeks ago. yupp 4 weeks ago. i went cos audrey dragged me along, cos shawn, her school mate was part of the cell group. so then i went, and theres this altar call part. its actually this part of the service when pastor kong called for those who have backslided and feel like they need forgiveness from christ and all to raise up their hands (while heads are bowed and eyes are closed). then i rememered the past 2 times when i went with margeret, i didnt dare and dint want to raise my hands cos i was afraid how people would see me, and i didnt have the desire anw. but this time round, i knew god wanted me to raise up and confess to him that i needed him, and i did, while my heart pounded but i was so joyful that i had the desire to raise my hands. then he asked (to my slight dismay) for all who raised their hands to come forward to the front of the church so that he could pray for us. actually to my surprise, the memebr beside who was lina, dint ask me to go, neither did aaron ask audrey to go. but i knew god wanted me to go and i wanted to start being his child all over again, so i decided to go and i stepped out. im not sure if they were surprised or shocked, but i wanted to and i was happy about it. so then i went, and i could really feel christ while saying the prayer to receive him into my life. ah btw, i was right in front of the people lined below the stage, so i got perfect view and atmosphere, and pastor kong shook my hand, to many people's envy, lol. oh can see me in the online video sermon, the one in pink :D that day, i rememebr clearly how my tears flowed while singing aloud and not even bothering how i sounded. i was really touched and my faith renewed. then i realised they always go to united starbucks and the cell group meeting is like 200m from my house, at cambridge village apartment. so "qiao" right. then i rmb that thursday after the first service, i met aaron and yujie at starbucks. yujie is the cell group leader and aaron the helper by the way. i could really sense the passion they had for christ, and for yujie, could really see his faith. i felt comfortable with them, in contrary to how i felt with margeret. i felt like it was god's will for me to be part of this group.
the first cell group meeting, i actually just recovered from flu and still had a very nasal sound. by the way, i've been sounding very nasal and hoarse recently, after that time when i fell sick after a long time of being healthy. i never recovered and i was quite resigned to the fact that i'll never sound the same and i'll sound nasal forever. however during the cgm, i decided to sing my heart out to him. many times i didnt feel like singing cos i couldnt stand my own voice but in the end, i decided that i will sing for him and praise him regardless of what happens. i really sensed his presence. then i remember when yujie lay his hands and prayed over me. initially i was afraid of hw i should respond and i rmbd the first time margeret lay hands ove rme when i told her i didnt know if the feeling i had to speak in tongues was from god or issit just some sounds that i made up. i rmb the feeling i had inside to speak but i still doubted. i cant really rmbd what yujie prayed and said, but the moment i started speaking in tongues, i rmb he said these 2 things " very good, dont be afraid." and "from now on generations after generations of people will be saved because of you" and i thought of my family, my extended family, i wanted to go to china. it was really a spiritual night of singing and praising christ. my eyes were closed throughout except 2moments (haha can rmb so clearly cos i didnt wanna open my eyes). i really wanted to connect with god and i felt i did.
after i went home that day and i sang in the toilet as usual, my voice was still nasal. but i decided that i will leave my health my voice and everything into his hands. if im to sound nasal forever then im fine with his plans. and now, im not nasal anymore. im healed.
i still had the doubts about speaking in tongues. i asked yujie about it at starbucks that day and he said one way to know i am speaking in tongues is that i should feel refreshed and feel better after speaking, but i never got down to doing italone in my room, cos i had too many doubts. iprayed for an answer. so then monday, 2 days ago, i felt like i should go novena church for some quiet time. and i asked all my questions and asked for an answer. after that, i saw some people queueing for confession, so i decided to go, and i thought it was wad he wanted to do. and i prepared myself for confession. well actually, not really confession cos we just have to confess to christ, but more like to get answers. i already prepared to say these 2 things :
1. i dont know how to surrender my all
2. how to know if what im speaking is really tongues
i figured i had so many doubts cos i havent surrendered my all to Him and i really wanted to know how i could surrender my being to him. i did so much prep and i was so determined u know. low and behold, when i walked towards the door, the priest came out from his side of the room and he just left. i tell you, i was so shocked, cos i was so sure god wanted to give me answers by him. i could alr feel my questions were gonna be answered so strongly. after that state of astoundment, i prayed again. i decide to look for the priest but i couldnt find him anywhere and the reception was closed. then i walked back to the hall, and there was samson. and upon seeing me, he walked towards me.
i think i wrote about him before in my previous posts, the one i met in novena church that time and answered alot of questions. so then he asked me what i wanted to look for the priests for and all, and i told him.
in the end, he told me alot, we stood there talking for an hour without realising. he told me how he acquired the gift of tongues. years ago, he was having his quiet time in his room and meditating on genesis 15 i think. its the chapter on the tower of bable and how god gave them all different languages. because he is from india, his english wasnt very fluent and he prayed that god would help him be more efficient in speaking then suddenly, he started speaking in tongues. and with his years of experience of praying with people in tongues, he told me 3 things when i wanted to confirm i was.
1. u dont have to think when u speak, everything comes and its like a rambling thing.
okay this one is true for me.
2. for beginners who just started to have their gift of tongues opened, its natural they will start speaking when they hear someone speaking, they will follow.
yupp
3. it sounds different when the spirit is praying without our consciousness interferring, and when we are praying for something.
thats very true too. it sounds different.
then very funny, cos then i demanded he speak tongues right there and then, and ya he did. but very funny cos it was like at the corridor and there were the cleaners walking around. he said slowly it will sound like a language instead of noises as the tongue grows, like what margeret ever said, and he even said he was more proficient in tongues then english. we talked about many things and theres 2 things that he said that is still very clear in my memory.
he told me about how god is always listening to your prayers and he'll always give an answer, in his own wisdom and plans. he had a fren years ago who really really really loved this girl very very much, and he would come to church and pray for their relationship everyday. somehow, their relationshipjust never worked no matter how hard they tried. finally, they broke up and the girl got married to someone else later. his fren was devastated and so broken to the point he stopped working even and his life just kinda fell apart. seeing his fren like that, samson really couldnt understand why god was so heartless and why he just dint wanna help. and he would blame god and scold him, luckily for him, he never lost his faith. then recently, after so many years, he met the husband of that girl. to his surprise, the guy started telling him all about the marriage and how terrible the girl was treating him. how he hated going home and facing her and only willing to do so because of their child. then samson was very shocked cos in so many years of knowing her, neither his fren nor himself knew this side of that gal and suddenly he saw that god was good, and there was a reason why god didnt plan for his fren to be with that gal. he finally saw how god unveils his plans over time.
when i spoke about how i was doubtful about my calling, he told me of how our calling should not be in our hands but in his hands. he proclaimed his life as his ministry and he told me of how just few weeks ago, there was this chinese lady who was very sick. there was something wrong with the left side of her stomach and spine area and she couldnt walk. the doctors said there was no cure. he met her at church one night, and she asked him to pray for her, and so he did. because it was very late, he wanted to leave alr, but he felt god telling him to pray over her one more time, and this time he heard god saying to hold her hand and pray one more time. and so he did and he held her hand and prayed over her then he left. the next day when he came to church, he saw the lady and he realised the lady has been waiting for him the whole day. she was healed! even the doctors said it was a miracle and she can walk alr. he said that his whole intention wasnt to heal her, he dint think of curing and healing her, all he thought of was to pray for her. perhaps this is the kind of humility god wants? i dont know but i was greatly inspired by this recount.
another time this distant fren called him and they talked for an hour. even now, he cant remmeber what they spoke about, but anw a week later, the fren called back and told him that actually she was gonna commit suicide alr but before she was gonna jump, she felt someone saying to call samson before dying, she wasnt even tht close to him. she called and hearing him talk about some bible verses, thoughts of committing suicide vanished.
anyway when i asked him if i should continue speaking when im not sure, he said yes. and his words really brightened everything. he said even if its not tongues, i should still continue because it is still a form of praising him. people who cant speak would probably worship him clapping their hands or something, so no matter what i am still praising him and worshipping him. take it as an act of praising. and from what he heard about how i felt while speaking, he says it should be tongues. and now, i am sure it is. he really strengthened my faith and he really taught me alot. especially the part about his prayer is that he just wants to be an ordinary person, that god would use him at the right place right time when he want to, and touch people in everyday life. and i think thats really what he does.
an an amazing thing, he told me something that he said he never told anyone. everyone's heard of tongues right?but noone has ever heard of writing in tongues, and he can! because he started praying for ability to write and he started to write and now he can write in alot of different languages.so then i asked him to write ona slip of paper and i would help him find out what language it was, i was planning to ask the burmese people. he said he looked through the web but havent found any languages tat coincide with his writings, he said it looked a lil like writings from Laos but he issint sure. then i asked him to ask god la, but he said he didnt la. and he said "the bad thing about me is i dont use my gifts for god". he can interpret part of his own tongues btw.
so anw, maybe more things happened but at this point of time, thats all i can remember. i never felt so in love with god and so in touch with him before. the sermons every week really speak to me and services really renew my spirit and strengthen my faith every week. i wanna leave my all in his hands!
