this is so funny, i suddenly feel like being a cell group leader because its really rewarding to see your members grow. i just want it. but that doesnt mean i have what it takes and that doesnt mean im doing it for the right reasons. on the topic of fear, i guess the kind of fear i go thru right now are the subtle ones that i sometimes dont even recognise. maybe my brainwashing skills are so good i do it to myself. like maybe i dont wanna be a cell grp leader anymore now (when i wanted it 2 years ago), because now i think i fear that i cant meet god's expectations and that i'll actually do more harm to his kingdom than helping him and thats letting him down.(and then again, dont all men let him down and we are only made perfect in his grace). so then i guess i've failed to realise that god doesnt put u through what u cant overcome, and your weaknesses is where his glory will shine thru. so i guess the question is, whats my calling? im pretty sure he gave me a heart for elderlies but human nature and maybe some wrong reasons spur me to wanna rise up and be a helper and cell group leader. and then again, i've proclaimed my choice of dialect ministry to the whole world because im fearful that i might be a leader for the wrong cause, because that might not be His plan and its just my own desire. and then again, "delight in me and i shall give u the desires of your heart, for they are from me." okay so first step: "seek first his kingdom and the rest will be given unto you". i gotta rmb that.
i dont like distractions, i really dont. and yet again, sometimes distractions spur u on. and then again, thats not very right cos it should be Him that spurs you on.
anw, just so that i can rmb i ever said this, Abel is afraid of losing his identity and that swhy he doent dare to surrender all and he's looking for things that can help him to fight his true desire. i like his questions, they are questions i ever asked and since i've gotten faith, stopped asking. while talking to him today, i realised how much faith has changed me and took away all my doubts. but i know i should go back and rethink how to explain it to non-believers because i rmb how much i used to want the answers and how much i often thought to myself :"if i get these doubts cleared, finally i will believe". shall pray for wisdom tonight. oh yes, his questions are on speaking in tongues, right or wrong? and some others which, guilty to say it, but i forgot.
and zay yar's reply is discouraging, compared to the fact that wyncy got saved. oh ya! i forgot to note down that wyncy got saved! oh yes i forgot. yupp wyncy went up for altar call and well, God really is faithful. oh and shawn tan, not my cousin, his parents also got saved. and some other people that i cant rmb, also got saved. the service that wyncy and i went for actually is bilingual one and it was really great even though it was pastor tan instead of pastor kong. it was the best sermon to me actually, and i kept crying. maybe wyncy reminded me of yan naung and the fact he issint saved, or maybe its becaus ei feel god's healing and god's promises coming true. anw zay yar said : "boring, lazy, no mood, no time, no interest... zzz. :P"
BUT BUT, god is faithful!
i love quiet time.
