so many things happened recently, but i dint have time to note down. oh no. okay start from... last sunday.
mum came for service last sunday, think she liked it and she said she wanted to come again. but today she just said this week has been too tiring for her and she doesnt wanna wake up so early. and so i've been thinking, maybe i should bring her for saturday service? she wants me to bring my bro cos she thinks its some factory that can do a makeover for you overnight. anw, last week service was good. i love pastor tan. i loved the songs. oh yea i was crying thoughout the whole thing. dont know why. then we went for dialect church tgt she said she wanted to come back and help but she just said she's too tired. oh yea and she embarrassed me at the coffeeshop cos she was so pissed over the hot water thing. okay too lazy to type. im sorry wyncy!
speaking of which, wyncy's parents dont like me becos i brought her to church, and to city harvest church. maybe city harvest should pray for a better reputation huh. maybe when we get the stadium, we should organise like family day or weding ceremonies and all, make it feel warmer. more like a church, less like a city. no, we should be a church in the heart of a city. whats a church? LOVE. so we should be less like a city and more like a church. okay jana shut up.
actually many more things happened, and really important ones just that they dont happen to exist in my brain chamber right now. alamak but i know there are some super important things that affected me. oh mann.
oh yes! audrey has gone over to FCBC church. well, church doesnt matter, its the spiritual life that matters. but somehow i just got the feeling she'll come back here after one whole round. issit holy spirit speaking? hmm. recently i've been having questions on whats from Him and whats not. just so hard to differentiate sometimes. but i guess if u pray hard enough, doesnt matter if its from the holy spirit, you'll get it by the grace of god :)
speaking of which, why issit wrong to joke and say that jesus very smelly? friend what! best fren somemore! why will it be wrong to joke with the holy spirit? your soulmate! okay i will pray and ask if its wrong.
hmm what else. oh ya, felt so spiritually exhausted and burdened the last few days. felt like the holy spirit left me, saw the timeline of my work for God in my head -- mum, bro,dad, wyncy, kelly, audrey, jiazheng, john, abel, dialect church, praying and fasting. havent even started im tired just by looking. and worse, im going for something thats unavailable and impossible. it makes me sad, jealous, disappointed and distracts me from god. feeling so down and dry and lonely i decided to go pat's house and watch her play piano. then i realised that music therapy only works when u want it to. actually i felt sadder after that, just that it felt good to hear music from pat and it felt good to bask in sad music. u know that kinda thing? like how when u're sad, its great to hear even sadder music.
so anw, caught up with vic after that and it was great to be able to share everything. and after praying at adoration room, i felt the joy of god again! the whole time i was just praying, take all the burdens, fatugue, pain away and let the holy spirit reign over. fill me to the point theres no more me, only the holy spirit. theres no more happiness or sadness, only the feeling of having the holy spirit rule my whole being. and just take over me, i wanna have only Him, not even my mum, in my heart. and it worked, albeit being a 15min prayer. however, every step closer leads the devil 1000 steps closer too. today was filled with pride. i woke up with the wrong heart, went to school with the wrong heart, went for CG with the wrong heart, sang with the wrong heart, fellowshipped with the wrong heart and the day has just been filled with guilt upon guilt, burden upon burden. this is terrible and so i better pray. holy spirit, take away all distractions and wrong emotions for the wrong things, wrong people. have mercy and impart love and faith to me!
actually if u really think about it, pride is the root of every evil doing, the first sin committed by Eve too. pride= "I".
I am superior.
I am inferior.
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am disappointed.
I am feeling empty.
I am feeling lonely.
I want this.
I dont like that.
I wish i...
I want to do this
I will not do that.
so many "I"s. even if its "I wanna sing for God". one must go and search the true heart again. u wanna sing for god because u know u can sing? or u wanna sing for god because he wants you to sing? I am sad, i am burdened, i am dry, i am tired. so self-absorbed! look at the world, so many people need so much more love than u being that little bit tired. so many people die all alone and here you are sad over some human that u cant get. JANA HO. heard it?!
i gotta pray for peace and love. i gotta pray for faith and strength. i gotta pray for annointing and humility. i gotta pray that i will forget who's jana ho and let Him reign. i gotta pray that i deny myself to the point i only hear His voice and His words. am i praying correct things? okay i gotta pray for wisdom.
SIGH. im tired because im burdened. im burdened because i see too many "I"s. i see too many "I"s because im not praying nor fasting nor reading his word. and im not doing so because i love myself too much and i forget that im just an instrument. and im like that because i am saved and devil's here. and devil's here because God loves me so much. and god loves me so much, so i should start living for him. and so i pray that i will experience the magnitude of his love for me (please dont let me go thru another yan naung thing). and i pray that he will reveal his deep deep love for me so that i can love him back and love everyone else together with Him. and when i have so much love for Him and His people, i wont see those "I"s and burdens because, my heart will be in his hands! okay i pray.
i also pray for my health and my throat and the stupid cough that has been here for one and a halfmonths. i think i should sleep more. speaking of which, i think my phone bill's gonna shoot so high this month. i call everyone with my hp! okay shouldnt be lazy. no wrong. i should love my parents more so that i see only their happiness and their desires rather than my laziness. no wonder Paul says in corinthians, love is the greatest gift. JESUS.
i better go sleep. this is a random post. ignore.
