okay. many many things happened. but i cant rmb. but i know there were many impt ones. oh well.
hmm okay. was absolutely dry and rebellious to the point that one day, i woke up and sinned terribly then after that felt like scratching my bible and throwing it away. it was that scary. i wanted to just slash it and throw away. so immediately i kneeled and tried praying in tongues. the first phrase came out, suddenly i stopped. just dint feel like opening my mouth. i kneeled there for quite long, struggling between knowing the right thing to do and feeling like scratching the brown book. i stared at the book and when i was on the verge of throwing it against the floor, i remembered pastor's sermon just the day before, that "the best way to break envy is to be generous". so i kissed my bible and put it beside me, still seething with the desire to stash it and throw it away. i awoke (cant rmb my dreams) and felt slighty better by the fact my bible was still perfectly fine. i went to watch tv and luckily it was a comedy by zhou xing chi. finally, i decided this shouldnt be the case and that if i continue to fall, the belief that God is existent will vanish by the devil's power and i decided to start from scratch that night, and listen to some worship songs and try and linger in the presence. lo and behold i happened to be conversing with yujie and he prayed for me. i dint open my mouth to speak in tongues the whole time and i forced a whispery "amen". but defnitely it gave me more conviction that i gotta pick myself up. and so i worshipped with a few songs and read the word. well, now im back on track and gonna emerge stronger. DEVIL U CANT CATCH ME! cos the spirit is wind and oil rmb? :D
well i learnt that when u start feeling dry, never let yourself slip. first, u start feeling physical lethargy, then spiritual lethargy starts seeping in. emotionally, u start feeling unloved, insignificant, unthankful, cynical, bitter, down, depressed. and this is exactly the perfect breeding ground for the devil to plant his seed and start striking from inside out. from physical lethargy i progressed to not wanting to smile or to sing, not wanting to talk, not wanting to pray, not wanting to read the word, cant even be bothered to raise my hands during service. luckily the spirit was with me and still supported the conviction that god is real and reminded me of the times he touched and shaked me. luckily i forced myself to go for cg, band, service, ministry and do ministry works where His presence was. yes i must not allow myself to fall again.
of pride and presence.okay i gotta go back to Him. gotta start praying and reading the word more, thats really where i find him.
oh yes, paper today. well prayed and prayed, he was with me :)
i wanna go holiday! but theres too many reasons why i shouldnt.
of pride and presence.goodbye world and im waiting to see victoria, patricia, darryl SOON.
oh pride and presence.
