I just feel so tired of living. But its not like I have a reason to be tired. I don't know.at this moment I can just so understand why ppl wanna end their lives. U know, knowing so much to the point u can neither go back or forth.. What junsen said about his spiritual life. I feel that way about my life as a whole. I know if I commit suicide, I'm gg to hell. I know that's what God doesn't want me to do. Is it a blessing I know Jesus? I don't know. Well bible says so so I guesso. At moments like these, walking out and getting a cup of latte and ice cream with waffles I might actually feel more like living, yet I k now I can't break fast.
I ask not becos I respect ur decision but becos u are unfortunately the autority above me yet I'm supposed to honour and not scorn. I'm angry yet I'm not allowed to say fuck u fucker. There I just sinned. Maybe devil and his fuckers are rejoicing with glasses of fucking blood. I just feel like. Stuck in the middle of everything. Of life and death, of joy and hatred, of who I am, of life.
I don't wanna tell Rhonda and break trust again. I don't wanna be me ir here yet I know I wanna be here with the same parentsn I think. Fuck. I hate emotions and I hate attachments I hate the fact we have a heart. Why the fuck do we have fucking hearts. We should just be robots. Why. Why make humans and life. Why not destroy it again and remake it. And even when we die why must we feel pain, why can't u press a button and end our lives without physical pain.
I think I have just blasphemed God in a horrible way. I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm stckin the middle once again. I should name this post bullet proof diamond/ metal/ wadeva fucking vest.
