I'm really tired of all of this. Sick of it all, sick of myself. If I could end it all now. Yet I can't. In life I have everyone to account to. In death there's God to account to.
Its funny how I now realise its possible to turn back. It really is. But it I do, I will no longer just be throwing away my birth right, but God, how will everyone see and know u as? I know u don't need me to fight for u, but God how can I stain ur name like that, even more?
Its kinda funny how every sermon is so alive but it matters less than when they don't. Its kinda funny how I now experience the exact things I once thought I did but now realise those were just brain analysis.
I am of no value to myself, noone else actually matters anymore. Gone, here, far.. I don't even have space to face those parts now. I'm alive, raw, breathing, salt diluting on every breath and move I take. I'm alive, and will be for another 60years or so. Like a zombie with perfect human features. How much do u love my smile, be honoured, at least I took the effort. We're all alive, return me your polite smile and delicious words of concern that disappear in a few hours.
Being able to still write, I think I'm still alright. Its not the end yet.
