I'm waking up in 2 hours, I will make my way to school and screw up my life no more. If it must end, it will not end through my own hands. Till the end comes, I suppose choosing brokenness over being crushed is a better option
If my status sounded depressing, I suppose I truly am huh. But so what? I don't rmb much of my life that was joyful.
Either way, I think I should no longer have conversations with the devil and give him too much credit or attention. I really believe in God and hence I should really believe in the Word. That He is faithful even when I'm faithless, that His love Endure Forever, that His desire is that none should perish and that ALL have eternal life, that His plans for me are of a good future and not of evil, that He is loving forgiving merciful, that all who believe and confess with their lips that Jesus is Lord will be saved, that all who trust in Him will never be put to shame, that though even my mother or father may forsake me, He will NEVER forsake me, that He can renew in me a new spirit and heart.
God I know You have compassion on whom u have compassion and You harden whom You harden. I can only hope that You will choose to have compassion on me. And I know I must always ask first before I can receive, I know the blind men called out ur name while You passed by hence u stopped and listened and they received ur healing. Sorry for my pride and unwillingness to submit to You. Now I really call out to You, can You stop for me and bring something back to my heart? Bring Life back to my life, bring order back to this mess. I'd rather be broken on You than crushed by You into powder irreversible.
I'm not tired anymore, turn my grave to Grace, God. Even as I type all this, I don't think I feel a thing. Its kind of scary being numb to myself and eveything else. But Lord, Your good will is none shall perish. I know You wouldn't want me to be lost out there. Now I know how they might feel.
I dunno how its gonna end up, but God, do something so everything turns out the way You want them to. Though none is with me, I still will follow because.. Who else but You God can I count on or desire. What good thing do I have but You? Though I don't feel, but I KNOW that I KNOW, You are God, You are good, You are mine and I am Yours.
What is it to me what You do for others or how You'll fight for them? Lord, just let me see You fight for me, one more time. I can't compare how I've fought for Your name to how You fought sorrow pain and death for me on that cross when I hated you, but God, sometimes I would really love to see You fight for my name too, just like how I've stood up for Yours since the day You called and since the first Easter that I followed. God do u remember? Fish and Co, in front of the Burmese? It might have been without wisdom but God I fought for ur truth. Do u rmb my parents? I really fought and You were all I desired. The first time I knocked doors in the hostel? Though the love came from You, but God do You rmb the effort, the time, the energy, the prayer meetings, the persecutions. And God I rmb Yours too. When I still came in a dress though I was informes by no one in the cell group, when I still passed my poly years, when I still clocked in 20 for service, when annointing still flowed, when there was still power in prayer. Now God I dunno what there is. I think my tongues are powerless, my hands are stained and my lips are ice. I dunno why I'm writing all this like as if u don't already know what I'm thinking and when I don't even feel what I'm saying.
I dunno man. God could You by Grace help to clear this mess? Put order into this life again? God, you are not just great, but You are good. You are Good, You are Good. You are merciful, You're will is that None perish but all come to eternal life. I know that even saying all that I've said in this post is a doubt of Your character but God. I just want to write. For whoever might chance on this, that's how I feel/think right now. For myself. Just to defy and rebel You. And I realise this is sin and I'm doing it on purpose. So should I delete this whole post?
I realise this is getting no where.
At the end of the day, I still KNOW that my God is good, Good, merciful, loving, redeeming, gathering, joyous, patient and endured the worst shame and sorrow just for me. What else will He not do? Soften and break my heart again, so that my thoughts and deeds can be pleasing to You again. Sort out my life so it wouldn't bring dishonour to Your name. God, show me You in person, show me grace, Your Love and Truth again.
God. Unveil urself. God forgive me and turn me around. God be merciful toward me. Have compassion on me.
I fear not, for Your rod and staff, they comfort me. Lord even ur discipline shows me ur Presence, so just don't give up on me God. Though there is none with me, as long as You are still With me, its more than enough for me to keep walking, living, believing in Your name and keep giving.
Just like I believe Yu still remember, I also still rmb Job24. Even if I'm on plan B now, which I really don't want to be on.. You mind if Job24 still applies? Please God, without that purpose I will live my days in vain. I'm coming back to dialect church alr, I'm sorry God. Let it be my strength again, let me feel Your joy and find strength to walk and put order to this screwed up life of mine again. Not running away, so God I'm counring on your goodness and grace.
Goodnight God. I will not fear, when I awake, I KNOW I am still with You.
