well i guess maybe he is my blood relation after all.
i wanted to stay and i guess, yea he is my grandfather afterall. i rmb one scene of him with my grandma watching us play. scenes of him sleeping on his rocking chair. his room that smelled of XO and guiness. and its surprising, i only rmb them now.
i guess i am sad. it surprises me but yea. a few more hours and he's really gone. the guy who quarrelled with everyone. the guy who took half the money and travelled around China on his own. the old man who lived on his own, wandered along the streets by himself with a plastic bag of guiness stout. the old man who ate breakfast lunch dinner along the shophouses of geylang all by himself everyday. the elderly who stays in the temple with only a pouch of money,i/c and passport, a small bag of keys and a paper bag of coins and hospital bills. the old man with pnemonia and swollen limbs, failing lungs, high bp, diabetes who lies on his bed at night and wonder of anyone will cary his ashes when he's gone. thats my grandfather, an elderly of my own blood whom i never visited, smiled at, listened to, toouched nor prayed for.
and if i feel this way, what about my dad and the rest of my aunties and uncles. i saw 2nd aunty with teary eyes today. she must have been the first to drop a tear for this grandfather of mine. tomorrow i hope everyone will remember the times when he was home, when he fed the children and watched the grandchildren play.
i have one last grandparent who lives with me. she does the household chores and cooks sometimes. she wakes me up when i oversleep, scolds me when my closet is messed up and repeats her stories of my grandfather's extra-marital affair, the other woman, her mother's adventure with a gun left in her house by a black society member, the japanese soldiers that almost raped and killed her, how she raised up my mum and uncles and aunties by selling beehoon and curry puff in the morning and cleaning houses for caucasians in the night, how she escaped death more than 3 times and about all her unfilial nieces and nephews and her late sister who took care of the family for her when she had to work.
you know, this is life. we play through our first 2 decades, fight through the next 2 and fumble through the subsequent 2, bearing the consequences of the first 40 years of our lives, be it good or bad. and then we come to the sixties, our turning point, a turning point tht lasts through 2- 3 decades, when the past either warms or tears up your heart, when the people around either embrace or look away from you. thats how i see life, no matter where i go, full time or marketplace, suddenly reality is reality.
"we will never again love the lost at the expense of our own family" thats what Sun said. and for me too, but no longer at the expense of my own blood family. at the end of the day, no matter how much u have given/invested into anyone else; your sheep/shephard/lamb/friends/church/leaders, when ure sick, its your parents who wil stay up all night and wake u up for medication, when ure on your deathbed, its your children paying the bills and camping at the ward hoping to be there with you when you go. when youre gone, lying in your coffin motionless, its your children and siblings who will gaze at you silently and cry for you, who will make sure your last few days on this Earth goes well and you get to see all your friends. after your buried in the mud, its them clearing your room, taking care of your accounts and tearing silently in the night thinking of all you've done for them and the things you didnt get to do with them.
ive always thought and said this to my own parents. "u all must be prepared, i might no longer stay in singapore next time, i might be on the mission field for years. God will always be first. if God says so i will do it. wait, let me pray then i tell you if i should do as you have just said. " things like that. and yea true, God is supposed to and will always be first, but i no longer want them to feel like they are less important to me as my calling, me desires, the needs of people ive just met for the first time 3 days ago, people who need bible study, people who need me to meet them immediately. who am i? some hero? and at the end of the day all that ive given to, how many are still here. how many have said "wherever you go, i also follow" are already gone? somewhere else, with some else. be it my inability to hold them or their natural instnct to look for greener pastures, i gave so much more to them then i even spent the last few years looking at my own parents and sibling.
now, i just want to build my life and make it a good soil. ijust want to love the people who really love me, invest into the lives of the people who have always been and will always be with me and really just build my life healthily, a good soil that can grow better things in the future.
i remember the first few times i knocked on hostel doors, i remember the cell group meetings, the prayer meetings, the salvations, i appreciate the disciples that have found better pastures and are following God better now, i am thankful for a great shephard now whom i can rely on and im grateful for a great cell group now that i know will pray and care if anything happens to me, im delightful seeing the few chinese and malaysians starting to dream dreams, see visions and wanting to know more about God. i might no longer be much of a contributor to God's work for a little while, but iwill learn to interceed and build a capacity to watch others dothe things that i could have done, knowing that without me God has still many willing options. it teaches me sovereignty of Him and the fact we really are just vessels. but of course, if God You still want me to move and do something, i'll definitely still do it anytime.
it is a long post, but i just felt like.. my life, my thoughts, my words, my decisions.
one thing that comforts me, though Peter betrayed Jesus 3 times, he was restored and re-commissioned personally by Jesus 3 times too: "feed my lambs", "take care of my sheep", "feed my sheep". though Peter thought he had given away his treasure and turned away from his birthright, in the end he still was crucified on a cross and upside down. i feel like him, saying God you know i love, God you know my heart, i feel like him when i look at the sot students, the other connect group leaders, i feel like him when i hear of missionaries, i feel like him when i remember my dreams, prophecies, hopes and such faith-filled promises i ever made to God and men. truly, what can we boast of tomorrow? it never even crossed my mind that i would ever come to sucha state of... emotions/thoughts/decisions.
whatever it is, well God, you know i do love You and You know that if You were to pluck me up and ask me to do something courageous again, i would. and i know that if You were to say, Go NOW, even for a few years, i know i will say yes. i cant boast of tmr, but i know i will still go even if i dont want to. i think so.. i think i havent lost that much of love for you... yet (?)
ahh. i should hnever try to conclude anything, i remember, what can i boast of tomorrow. im just thankful for the miracles you have given to me personally with no need for me to return to you anything. and.. to know, love and believe in You Jesus, i am already thankful. truly Salvation has become my shield and ive now seen Your gentleness, it makes me great again.
more personal committments now, to QT with and For You, to the Word, to who You are, to tithes, offerings and intercession. im just thankful,
You've restored to me the joy of Salvation.
Someday we will cause lives to be transformed and dead hearts to come alive again. soon, now let me just be with You in prayer first.
Dear Precious God of all my days, please help me make right decisions for my career/studies for now. build me as a good healthy and deep soil. take care of me and my needs (i feel slightly selfish to say this but.. i think im supposed to pray like this), take care of my faith in You, things, people, myself, take care of my walk with You, my love for You, my love for Your people and desires. Help me love, make up to and give to my own family, help me reconnect and show love and respect to my old friends, help me find myself and let my talents flourish. help me God to live a shining life with a shining heart and countenance. ilove You God, i love You my Jesus and i love You my precious Holy Spirit who has never left. i love and thank You for everything. In Jesus name, Amen.
:)
