"I don't care that uve given up. I trusted in the man that I knew. We must get into the castle tonight"
That was from harry potter.
I will say. I don't care that I've given up hope in anything good. I trusted in the man that I knew. Now I still don't care because I'm made to still get to the Castle.
Its the same cycle again. How I've reached out my hands and have nothing, no one, no word, no appreciation, no apologies back. Not one, not 2, not 3, but 4, 5, 6 and in time to come 7, 8, 9, 10 and the numbers go on. It would be enough to at least gain a nice glance from an Almighty. Well I guess He did, to give me Joshua 1:5 beforehand and confirmed it thru someone else and then preached it today. He did speak His Word, but where's the structure, how does His light help when the path is not carved or if I just can't see it.
Haiya I just preached a 6 page text on Grace and rest and love. I've lost the angst in writing this yet I know I can convince myself for 5min, reality will strike again.
Devotion. I can set my heart to do it, I'm trying to, yet how is this Grace? I've moved out, taken the step of reconciliation with You and You crushed my hopes in one second, this hope that took so much for me to just raise my hands and say I'm willing to have nothing just for You AGAIN, I'm sorry, I'm willing to claim that bottle of oil. You asked me to ask the unthinkable, all I asked was fresh oil, a new heart, a renewed vision. Did I ask for a million dollars or social status or some other wondrous blessing? You gave me ur Word and confirmed it that You want to give me a heart of flesh. Here I raised my hands to say a 'send me' prayer that I've disliked for a very long time, no correct that, I cried out for Your revival, for the lost, the poor, the hopeless, dreamless, the lonely. And I didn't even ask for the easy glorious jobs. Who's gonna rmb me amongst those that I've asked?
I just don't know what to expect from You God. Why does Your Word always come and even with confirmation and is crushed the instant I pluck up all my courage, strength and faith to receive. Is this the way You test me in my ways? To crush me and see if I still worship or believe in Your Words? I know Your law is perfect, will always be perfect, I proclaim that Your way is blameless and choose to just agree with it. Could you spare me a little, God?
Before this I was about to say anyone could take a knife and threaten to slit my throat or torture me some other way, I'm pretty sure I can't deny and I will not deny You. Peter didn't have the HS when He denied You, I'm sure that when my soul fails, You'll prob encourage me enough to die for You. If that's the case, how does Your love for me surpass that of mine for You? Show me, how You love me much more than I love You, show me how You're devoted to me more than I am to You now. Show me how u can say to me 'its okay, I still believe in you' the way I've said to You countless times, show me that You appreciate me by giving me the people I need in my life the way I've at least put in a teeny bit of effort to travel or open my mouth or extend a tiny percentage of human strength to bring Your souls to You.
I don't think I'm doubting You God, I've seen You do it for so many others, I'm just really wondering with all the understanding that I have, where is mine? When is mine? Is it even existant?
Nonetheless God, to know that the Lord is One, to love You with all my heart, understanding and strength, I'm trying, I'm learning. To love my neighbour as myself, I am trying, sincerely learning.
Thoughts today.. Will u give up Your 99 just for me? How true's that? Show me. I feel like I've given You my 98, so maybe show me 98 for a start? Once again I say I'm not doubting You, I'm just sincerely trying to see, know, experience it for myself and not just from what I see You do for others. Why don't You ask me "what do you want me to do for you?" the way You asked the blind man in Mark and actually let me see You do it. I don't even parallel this to Abraham. I apologise with what little there is left in my heart that's alive if all I've said is faithless, unbelieving, blaspheming, whatever else there is that's unrighteous. You are gracious, right?
How much can I reach out to seek You, how much is enough to find You unveiled, tangible, true, real. Grace messages say You are here, just Here, unveiled thru Christ. I also believe. But where? It refers to just Your Presence? I'm not belittling Your Presence God, I like Your Presence. I have to admit I can't say Love because when You come I'm tempted to say, in layman form "why do You seem to come and go and break me never-endingly? Is this love, is pruning love? How much more?" Does this grace equate to just receiving, that kind of Grace? If so I actually don't mind, I've been trying to just receive, so please ask me why again, no, I ask You why, why did u touch me enough to make me cry out again, 'send me'?
How much more of me? How much more in me?
How much more?
