It was not that good a cg meeting
Of course not because it wasn't annointed, but just once again it is just.. Anger I guess.
I almost in my heart shouted and beg, don't give me a hope, I rather u don't because you crush every single one u give.
God is for me, who can be against me? You.
I'm afraid, because I know I shouted that prayer. Perhaps my heart of flesh has turned back to stone. I'm not sure and I don't wanna know.
Its never wise to count on a moment's inspiration or touch.
For me, I live, a life that follows my conscience. I don't want promises anymore, I rather not. I will not say the words promises or trust, love is giving all knowing that I have nothing. Towards man, towards You. Its alright even if my mansion in heaven is just straws and mats, I'll rather walk and give knowing I have nothing than be crushed, wide eyed, again.
If I have doubted Your character, I acknowledge my sin. I can't pretend I believe I don't want to ask or expect that You will prove it to me or change it for me. If I can still walk without this, I'd stay safe.
I've gone thru yet another round of 'and Your love is for me'. Next one, I promise myself with my own human strength, I will be indifferent. No grief, no anger, no tears, no hope. Let me live this life, able to breathe without bleeding. Just for a while at least. While I continue trying to stand close to those You have wonderfully blessed. With the same hands that crushed me.
If this is devotion, then I'm resigned to being devoted. I'm fine with nothing, I've resigned to this. Leave my heart at ground level.
