its kinda funny why i write when theres no one to read. maybe someday. i guess deep down i do hope someone will chance on this, and i dont write my exact emotions or events that happen in here because deep down, i dream that someone is reading this. whats with mankind and imagination man.
you know, its been a long journey. i havent done much for God, i used to think it was alot and there'll be more in the future, but now i look around, i look in, i look up and my heart just says, "thats all."
i used to ache at the thought my Life with God has ended, now, it seems like a natural process and the ache is slowly fading, which to the passionate preachers, is not a good thing. honestly sometimes i think i feel so bitter looking at others succeed or do ministry. i get bitter with God, thoughts like "after all these years God, this is what You do to me?" "so i see that all ive done for You is nullified." "So faithfullness will never override passion? how wonderful." etc. these were thoughts that ran thru my mind just last cg. yes God is God, whoever He anoints is anointed and successful, what can anyone say, what can i say. Creator, Maker, Potter, God, even if You choose to not look or remember, what can i say or do? i still worship You what, even demons worship You because God is God, no?
Sometimes it gets confusing when people pray, "send me", "harvest is plentiful labourers few", "live for You", "rise up to the call", "be about the Father's business", it gets annoying when people say "be initiative", "take the step of faith", "do something". how many times ive prayed those prayers, ran alone, fought alone, seen victory and lose it. how many have said, wherever you go, i'll go with you and have gone elsewhere or with someone else? here i am learning to be a good follower from scratch and it is said that we need to be smart leaders. im sorry but at this point in time, all i can digest is the storms i have fought thru alone as a leader, the victories that backfired, the betrayals, the good times, the bad times, all the cycles and thorny realities. i should not have gone for prayer meeting, dont pray dont go right? i was pretty sure i wasnt gonna go yet i still turned up cos im so afraid to lose this connection with God. im not angry nor affected but just provoked in thought. theres 2 sides to the coin,
1. should powerhouse not be open to the weakest link as shelter?
2. powerhouse is a time of power and of higher level. cell group is your place of refuge (seeing that our quiet time is not working)
such is the confusion im in. prayers of "send me" that ive prayed a million times and done so many times, whenever peope pray that now, i start to wonder issit gonna echo into my soul and make me move again. but i dont wanna move, and arent i supposed to be resting now. im sick of this whole cycle of faith, trust, fight, lose, disappointment, discouragement, bitterness, healing, faith trust fight lose disappointment, disheartenedment, more faith, trust, fight, crushed, walk, run, crushed, crawl etc. *F give me a break. and after typing all of this i think to myself, well i chose to believe, whether or not God was there. i chose to fight, whether or not God failed (lokks like He failed or planned for it to be that way. no difference). yea the passionate and faith-filled preachers will tell me, no God never fails you, wait for His faithful promise. how wonderful, show me then. what is "this time round your nets wont break", what is "all the days of your life no man shall stand before you" what is " every month you shall bear fruit". Dear God, it has been MANY times your 3 statements dont work AT ALL. if i have to count on MY OWN initiative to believe, why do i bother praying or doing your will. i should just think my own destiny, fight MY OWN fight, make MY OWN decisions.
this is not a good post, but believe me its the least affected moments and emotions i have. so now imagine what i usually feel in cell group (oh especially ministry time), in prayer meetings (when people pray send-me prayers) in sot when people speak faith like as if their mountains are really not there. worse when people judge/pity/are curious about my decisions. what, dont waste my time, i'll record it sometime and publish it for u wondrous people who are pondering on how spiritual warfares work and what could have been done/should be done. pay me the money, i exchange it for a recording for you. seriously.
i sincerely believe that i will not be salvaged like Job, look at all that ive just typed, so why do i bother tearing when Job is preached. Peter, Job, Abraham. goodbye rosy dreams, lets be realistic. Life goes on.
Life goes on, You go on in Your salvation plan, i go on as a good follower who will attend Your cell groups and services and live a pleasant life turning delinquents around, bringing hope to the poor and needy, love to the sick and frail. hows that? didnt You say everythng i do to the least is unto You, so yes please take it that im doing it unto You. even if im no longer in position for full time ministry, i tell myself too, that im still serving and loving mankind. good life? if one day i regret selling away my birthright.. wait hold on a minute, if You really gave it to me, wont it still stick with me if its meant for me? and the same thought cycle goes on.. we have to stretch out our hands, ask and we receive, sabbath/destiny made for me not the other way round etc etc and i come back to:
LIFE GOES ON, LETS BE REALISTIC AND JUST LIVE A LIFE FITTING OF A CHRISTIAN. THE REST, I DONT CARE, IM JUST GONNA DO IT, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUILD WHATEVER OBSTACLES YOU WANT, ALLOW WHATEVER WARFARE YOU WANT, GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU DONT MIND GIVING. I JUST LIVE MY LIFE OKAY? CREATOR/ MAKER/ POTTER.
all right. im sorry. but even if i dont express it, i still think this way so.. whats the difference?
PS: the wondrous song that i felt was from You, many have expressed that it is not fitting of a service for mass praise. if thats the case, i'll keep it and i still wont put in secular words or sell it no matter how much i like and believe in it. oh wait, even if i really did that no one will buy or like the song cos it was meant for You what right. im not sure, i think im supposed to say sorry to You again. i should just be silent because this never ends.
