I've always been sent just on time, in time in many ppl's lives. Sometimes halfwau thru their weeping, sometimes when theyr the most alone, sometimes when they just need a sign.
These 2 days I've been having thoughts. In fact they've always been there I guess, it just never occured for me to express in a blog that I guess does bring me away from God in a certain way. (And no I'm not proud in case ure thinking I am, I'm just being truthful)
I've always appeared at Kairos moment. I don't blame anyone for not appearing in mine. Nights where my heart aches and feels like its being pierced and smashed every breath I take. Nights where dark thoughts shout in my mind I wish I could take a knife and stab my skull and into my brain to shut evevrything up. Nights where I don't feel, don't think, I just lie there, numb and unmoving like a zombie. Days after cell group where I walk alone pass the canal, salty tears pouring down and the wind makes my heart ache even more. Nights in parks and parishes when I just weep all alone. These moments where I stare at my phone and just hoped someone, anyone will drop me a text or happen to call just like I've done for so many others.
God, did u mean to send anyone? Did u think of sending anyone? Does everyone really hurt more than I did at those moments, were their terrors sharper than mine, were their darkness darker than mine?
Thru the years God, with or without titles I've willing done everything for u. With or without recognition, appreciation even from u, I've walked thru ur will. With or without anyone by my side, I still seeked ur face. I've never asked you for any big blessing. Uve promised me countless things that fall and are crushed the next instant. Now I'm not even sure what's true, what's false, what is done, what was a show. I'm left with nothing, no supportive or believing family by my side, no friend who will stand by me thru thick or thin, no one I can be sure will leave 99 just for me.
I turn and look around, is what I've given less than any of them? I don't think so. It'll be enough to remain anonymous, I can bear my own broken dreams and crushed hopes and many of which feels like its done from Your hands. When I hear words or sense thoughts that whisper that I've not given much to Your kingdom and to ur people, every ounce of what little spirit I have left dies, in resignation, in jadedness. It might not have been many years with You, but was all that has happened that little?
I'm still walking. I no longer think anything good will I receive on earth. But I still walk, because I know that at the end of the day, I'll be stepping into heaven. If all I've given is not enough to see Your face or be near to Your Holy of Holies, I admit defeat. I'm alr doing my v best to stand close to You. I'm still seeking You, Your face, I'm still standing close to those You have blessed and bearing my own heart, I'm still looking at You and not what I've lost or never had nor gained. I'm still caring for ur 99 with whatever left I have. Is this still not seeking after You when my heart bleeds just talking to You?
Its sad how I have nothing left to say to You except forcing myself to pray for others. Why when its about everyone else You so willingly come and when its me, You seem like it doesn't matter at all. If this is due to my faith, my anger, my bitterness, my sadness, then that's kinda sad becos I've been trying to say I forgive You and that's there's nothing in You to forgive for Your laws are perfect.
How much more, how long more, how many more?
I've sat thru the services, the cell group meetings, the ministry times. I've sat thru them all, lifting my hands, wiping my tears, praying for revival, praying for others, being prayed for, being pitied, ordered, forgotten, decided to just receive and moved to walk up to believe You have fresh oil for me to claim, taking it in my stride all that I've lost, never had, gained is nothing compared to You, still raising my hands and loving You when I feel like, in layman terms, You are having fun with this dramatic, surprising, meandering, rough, tough narrow trail You left for me among some huge forest of big tall trees and thick canopies that have snuffed out what little sunlight and suffocated the air. Every breath is thick, sharp, powerful, painful. I'm being a lil dramatic here but God, I would say it is pretty close to my emotions now.
Yet after the tears, tmr I'll still be extending my hand, strength, smile, still agreeing that You can't be bad, still dragging my blistered and badly jabbed and bloody feet. I only hope at the end of time I will really see a treasure with my name on it for me and me only. A glimpse of the good God that I trusted and tried to keep trusting.
